Relationships Gone Wrong: How to Confront Someone After You’ve Been Hurt

On the surface, relationships can seem like all fun and no trouble. We all want people in our lives, close friends, and many of us desire the companionship of a spouse. We picture wonderful moments of closeness and camaraderie.

But suddenly, something goes wrong. We disagree, or the other person hurts us, and the relationship doesn’t seem very fun anymore. There’s work involved. It doesn’t all come naturally. Both friendships and marriage have many wonderful moments, but every so often, you’re faced with an issue that bothers or hurts you.

This is when knowing how to confront someone effectively can become a necessary part of the relationship. When done correctly, confrontation can strengthen the bonds you share and make your relationship less susceptible to future problems—sort of like a vaccine. But also like a vaccine, confrontation isn’t enjoyable at the moment.

Most of the time, we don’t act like responsible adults purely for our own enjoyment. We pay the mortgage, budget our expenses, and in the same way, we confront relationship issues. If you are hurt, wronged, or offended by someone you love, it’s important to address it in order to have a healthy relationship.

How to Confront Someone About Hurtful Behavior

If you’ve been betrayed or hurt, how can you overcome feelings of despair? You’ve been taken advantage of by a person you trusted, and now you might feel justified in holding it against them. But you also may want to shove it under the rug and move on so you can just have peace.

Bitterness is destructive, both to a relationship and to your own soul. It’s as if you’re drinking poison hoping that the other person dies. The fruits of bitterness are all negative; it will inevitably prevent you from flourishing in your walk with Christ.

Dr. David Schnarch of the Marriage & Family Health Center in Colorado talks about the danger of becoming “emotionally fused” with another person. Your emotions and sense of wellbeing become completely dependent on that person, and you can’t separate your identity from that, leaving you stuck in a place of hurt when they fail you.

Although it’s important not to get caught in this trap, you also shouldn’t create false peace by pretending that nothing is wrong. If you value this relationship and want it to be a source of happiness and support, you need to address the weaknesses it has.

This means you have to avoid:

1. Acting passive aggressive, thinking the other person should pick up on your anger without you having to say anything.
2. Seeking revenge/retaliating.
3. Deciding you’re going to wait until the “right moment” to talk, but always putting it off so you never end up talking. Avoiding the confrontation just prolongs the problem and increases the hurt. There’s no perfect time for confrontation, just some times that are better than others.
4. Embarrassing the other person by bringing up their behavior in public.

Instead:

1. Ask the other person to agree to a time to sit down and talk.
2. Consider writing down a few notes about what you want to say. That way your emotional stress won’t wipe your brain cleaner than Martha Stewart’s kitchen counter.
3. Stay calm; don’t be aggressive or raise your voice. If you can’t help but cry, it’s okay, but try to talk about your feelings without making the other person feel attacked.

It’s essential to prepare your heart before any confrontation, so you can have a loving and understanding approach. All of us have hurt each other at one time or another, whether it was intentional or not. If you give the other person the benefit of the doubt, you’ll be able to have a more helpful conversation and gain traction toward reconciliation.

Some phrases that might be helpful: “You might not realize how much it hurts me when you do X. It hurts/offends me because Y, and I’d appreciate it if you’d avoid doing it in the future.”

And remember, it only takes one person to forgive, but it takes both parties to achieve reconciliation.

Story Time

There were two sisters rooming together in college. For the most part, they got along well, with the occasional tiff. During a drive home one day, the older sister went over a series of speed bumps, like she’d done before many times.

From the passenger seat, the younger sister snapped, “I hate when you drive my side of the car over the speed bumps! I just think it’s so inconsiderate when the driver keeps their side of the car on the road and forces the other person to be bumped!”

This came out of left field to the older sister. After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, she agreed to avoid doing this in the future. Though it did happen again every so often, for the most part she was able to follow through with her promise.

By the time a few years had gone by, this story became a joke between the two of them, and they would poke fun at how much the younger sister had blown the incident out of proportion.

The point is that conflict is necessary and healthy in our relationships. Even in this example, when the confrontation wasn’t done perfectly, it did have positive results in the end. The older sister appreciated the younger sister telling her she was upset, because she truly didn’t want to continue upsetting her, even unintentionally.

Remember, if the other person truly cares about your feelings and the relationship the two of you have, they’ll be willing to listen to your concerns.

What if They Don’t See it Your Way?

This is the hard part. You chose to be vulnerable and were met with hostility. You may find yourself in inner turmoil, wondering if you’re wrong and if you’ve ruined your relationship over something trivial.

Consider whether you took time to assess your feelings and prepare to talk about them with the other person. If you did, you’re probably not wrong. The issue is important enough to you to bring it up, after all.

Make sure you listen to the other’s perspective and think about it. Does their side have validity, or are they gaslighting you?

The term “gaslighting” originated from a 1940s movie called Gaslight (which was based on a play called Angel Street). In the movie, the husband deceived his wife in various ways to convince her she was crazy, so that she wouldn’t report strange things that were really happening.

In relationships, gaslighting can often be identified by phrases such as, “You’re so sensitive. You’re so emotional. You’re defensive. You’re overreacting. Calm down. Relax. Stop freaking out! You’re crazy! I was just joking, don’t you have a sense of humor? You’re so dramatic. Just get over it already!”

Gas lighters will not acknowledge the possibility that they may have behaved inappropriately. Rather, they choose to emotionally manipulate others. A gas lighter will tell you you’re out of line for asking them to change their behavior.

If this is what happens, you have a couple of options. Ask the person to give you a chance to explain yourself. If they won’t, you may need to end the relationship, because it’s nearly impossible to have a healthy connection with someone who refuses to consider your concerns.

Christian Counseling for Relationship Issues

If it’s not possible or ideal for you to end the relationship, consider seeking Christian counseling to get the perspective of a third party, and to help you sort out your feelings so you don’t succumb to further temptation yourself.

As it says in Galatians 6:1, “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual restore them gently, but watch yourselves or you also may be tempted.”

If someone doesn’t think their behavior is a problem, they’re probably going to be reluctant to agree to counseling. If necessary, go to a session alone to ask for advice. A counselor might be able to help you communicate your grievances with the other person in a more productive way.

At times, you may wonder if you’re being unreasonable to want someone to change their behavior. But there’s a big difference between minor differences and matters of preference, and patterns of hurtful behavior that go unchecked. Sometimes you should agree to disagree, but other times you may need to stand your ground. While everyone is entitled to their opinions, no one is entitled to hurt others.