Codependency

People are relational beings, and we are fully human when we’re in a healthy relationship with God, ourselves, and others. Isolation is difficult for us because of how God designed us, and when we’re in meaningful relationships with others, there’s a healthy give-and-take that happens.

In every relationship, we have needs that another person can meet, and the converse is also true. The mutual dependence that unfolds in relationships when both are there for each other, provide support to one another, find value in the relationship, and so on ought to be par for the course. However, in codependent relationships, this mutuality is undermined or altogether distorted.

In a codependent relationship, one of the people in a relationship is needy or dependent on the other. “Codependency” describes a dysfunctional and one-sided relationship. It also describes a relationship that enables a person to maintain addictive or irresponsible behavior. This presents itself in several ways.

In some cases, codependency describes a situation of extreme neediness where the person will reorient their life to please their partner. They will sacrifice what they need to keep their partner happy, setting aside their own mental and emotional health, not to mention resources, self-worth, and esteem to please the other person.

They can cancel important plans because it’s suddenly no longer convenient for their partner or turn down opportunities for advancement at work because it will take them away from home more, and so on. This pattern can occur in romantic relationships, but it can also occur in parent-child relationships too. In parent-child relationships, codependency can manifest in acting as a caretaker for the other person, feeling responsible for the happiness of either the parent or child, and curtailing their own choices to attain that happiness for the other.

The other side of the equation with codependency is that the other person in the relationship typically functions as an enabler. In some instances, the enabler needs to be needed, and so they allow the detrimental behavior of the other to continue. This cycle of codependency keeps both the enabler and the codependent person trapped in an unhealthy pattern of relating to one another.

The neediness of the codependent person ensures that their sense of self-worth and esteem is tied to pleasing and making sacrifices for the enabler, and the enabler facilitates and welcomes it. The codependent person’s identity is tied to the relationship, and they feel worthless unless they make sacrifices for and feel valuable to the enabler, and the enabler allows them to make such sacrifices.

The problem with a codependent relationship is with both the codependent person and their enabler. The codependent person orients themselves and their lives around the enabler, and the enabler allows this. Instead of being a mutual exchange and creating room for the codependent person to be their own person and to derive their sense of self and value apart from the enabler, the enabler allows and uses this unequal and one-sided relationship.

Codependent behavior can play out in romantic relationships, or between family members and friends. Some of the signs of codependent behavior include:

• Being in denial that there’s a problem and you’re codependent.
• Using disproportionate time and energy to make sure to give the enabler what they want.
• Constant anxiety because of a desire to make the other person happy.
• Low self-esteem.
• Poor boundaries, feeling responsible for other people’s feelings and problems, or blaming your issues on someone else.
• Struggling to say “no” when the other person makes demands on their time and energy. Codependents are often people pleasers who often going out of their way to please others.
• Disregarding your moral compass or conscience to give the enabler what they want.
• Feeling not good enough and harboring a sense of guilt, and shame.
• Disregarding the personal cost of pleasing the other person (financial, mental, and emotional well-being).
• Reluctance to express one’s desires or needs and feeling guilty for doing so.
• Caretaking, meaning that when someone has a problem, codependents dive in to help them to the point of sacrificing themselves.
• Staying in the relationship regardless of the hurt they’re subjected to by the other person.

The problem with codependency is that it takes good qualities such as selflessness and the desire to help others, twists them to the point where they become unhealthy expressions of the desire to be needed.

Codependency can develop from many circumstances, including:

Caring for an ill person

While many people who have taken care of an ill relative or family member when they were young do not necessarily develop codependency, taking on the role of caring for an adult can result in that young person habituating themselves to set aside their needs to focus on the needs of the adult, especially if that adult displays dysfunctional enabling behavior.

Codependency can develop in those situations of dysfunction where one learns to focus on the needs of others to the exclusion of their own, and they start to value and view themselves primarily in terms of being needed by someone else without getting anything in return.

Being in abusive relationships

Abuse can have devastating effects that last for years and require treatment to be overcome. Whether it’s emotional, verbal, sexual, or physical abuse, when a person, especially a young child is abused, their response may be to repress their feelings to shut the pain out. When that child becomes an adult, the learned behavior of repressing their emotions may result in them not having the skills or capacity to recognize or acknowledge their needs and feelings, while only being concerned for the feelings of others. This codependent behavior may place the person in other, abusive relationships.

Having unhealthy parental relationships.

Parental figures or caregivers are sometimes unreliable or unavailable. This includes individuals with addictions who neglect their children while meeting their own needs or immature, selfish, or needy parents who prioritize themselves above their children.

The child in the situation learns to ignore their own needs while giving primacy to those of the adult, thrusting the child into the role of caretaker. The child in this situation learns to put their own needs last or to disregard them and when they become an adult, they are likely to repeat that same dynamic in their relationships with their spouses or children.

Codependent relationships are not healthy, either for the codependent person or the enabler. For your sake and the sake of the people around you, dealing with codependent behavior is important. The journey to life-giving and healthy relationships and away from codependency may be long, but it is possible.

Codependency stems from learned behavior that is difficult to identify and change by yourself, so if you suspect you may be in a codependent relationship, the first step is to seek guidance and support from someone who understands the dynamics of codependency and can confirm that that’s what’s going on.

A trained therapist can assess whether you’re in a codependent relationship and begin addressing the situation. Codependency treatment can take place in either individual or group therapy settings, and it may involve exploring your early childhood and teasing out links with present codependent behavior. Your therapist can help you to explore your behavior and feelings, providing you with the tools you need to begin forming healthy relationships with a mutual give-and-take dynamic.

For a married couple where codependency is present, they may have to consider therapy where both the codependent and the enabler get the help they need to spot unhealthy patterns of behavior and begin moving toward a healthy relationship.

Developing healthy ways of relating to other people when you’ve been mired in codependent behavior takes time, but you’re making progress when you can:

• Find happiness and fulfillment outside of the relationship, whether from a hobby or another activity you enjoy.
• Begin acknowledging, nurturing, and expressing your feelings and needs.
• Recognize and cease care taking and enabling behavior.
• Be more assertive and feel unafraid to say, “no” to people.
• Identify past hurts and feel your own needs and emotions.

Find your self-worth and self-esteem outside of the codependent dynamic of needing to be needed. As a being made in the image of God, you are valuable just as you are.

There is help and hope for treatment, recovery, and change for people who struggle with codependency. A Christian counselor can help you with identifying not only if you’re in a codependent relationship, but also walk with you on the journey to recovery if you are codependent. Your therapist will take you through the process of unpacking your childhood to understand the possible roots of any codependent behavior.

By using the resources of scripture and prayer in addition to talk therapy, your counselor can help you understand and build your self-worth while pointing you toward healthy, life-giving patterns of relationship. With their understanding of the dynamics of human relationships, they will also apply their skill to give you the tools you need to recognize codependent behavior in yourself and develop your capacity to start building positive and healthy patterns of behavior.

Relationships matter and their health directly impacts your well-being. If you want to find out more about Christian counseling for codependency at Orange County Christian counseling or start your healing journey toward healthy relationships, browse our counselor directory and contact us to make an appointment with one of our counselors.