Practical Tips to Save Your Marriage

If you’re reading this article, you’re probably either desperately looking for a way to save your marriage, or you’re trying to help someone else save theirs. Either way, I prayerfully hope these tips will be helpful, and that God, by His grace and power will use my words to make a difference.

Practical Tips to Save Your Marriage

These tips, in my opinion, can make all the difference between a couple being happily married for many years versus going through the misery and heartbreak of divorce.

Tip #1: Nurture love that is more than just a feeling.
In the beginning stages of a relationship, we experience love most often as a series of euphoric feelings. Ancient Greeks called this kind of love eros.

Our attraction to our loved one combines admiration for their physical characteristics and personality traits, leading to a romantic fantasy. (I’m using the word fantasy deliberately because at this stage it’s impossible to know someone authentically at a deep level.)

Harville Hendrix, author of Getting the Love You Want, theorizes that early attraction begins when we find a person who we imagine will meet all of our needs for love. He adds that we subconsciously choose a partner who shares some negative qualities we’ve seen in our parents. We hope to receive love in a way that feels familiar. The problem is that ultimately a romantic partner cannot meet all of our “love needs.”

Hendrix’s theory is that this subconscious attraction to negative qualities stems from a deep-seated longing to be loved perfectly in a way we haven’t experienced since infancy.

Of course, the initial stage of infatuation inevitably fades as we realize that the spouse we have chosen cannot possibly fulfill our needs perfectly, and sometimes even creates more needs by hurting or neglecting us.

In contrast to eros, agape love is based on selfless, sacrificial actions that don’t depend on reciprocation. God is the ultimate source of agape. We see this in Matthew 16:18 where Jesus gives Peter the name “Rock” even before Peter deserved that name. He really deserved a name like “Unstable,” but Jesus saw who he would be once he was transformed by God’s love.

Agape is the kind of love needed for marriage over the long haul. This is a sacrificial love that takes a Christlike vision of the potential in one’s spouse as they are being transformed by love. The alternative is constant criticism and demands for change, with any results being shallow and short-term because they do not come from the heart.

Choosing to love like Christ means we love our spouse in spite of their weaknesses, embracing them as a whole person, flaws and all. This gives them great confidence, knowing they are loved at their deepest level of personhood.

This kind of love isn’t dependent on whether our spouse deserves it. It flows from the love we have from God in Christ. I’ve seen firsthand the overflowing returns on the investment of agape love in marriage. It starts with faith that this love has power, both in your heart and in that of your spouse.

Tip #2: Deal with your desires.

John Gottman, a well-respected couple’s therapist, has identified four destructive behaviors observed in marriages doomed to fail: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These marriage killers are known as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

All of these destructive behaviors focus on outward actions instead of the heart. In James 4:1-4, the apostle describes the true root of conflict: desires that are not rooted in God and his ways but in self and sinful solutions.

This passage has so many practical implications. As a therapist, around half of the marital conflicts I’m privy to are really just spouses naming their true desires. James teaches us to identify our heartfelt desires and entrust them to the Lord before we do anything else.

When we start with this, it helps us figure out things we’re responsible for and can change on our own instead of blaming someone else. When we trust the Lord to take care of our deepest needs and desires (Psalm 37:4), we’ll be able to navigate conflict with our spouse much more calmly. And when we work to identify what our actual desires are, we can start to consider what godly fulfillment would look like, as opposed to just focusing on instant, selfish gratification.

Here’s an example: I feel disrespected when my wife speaks to me in an elevated tone. Instead of taking offense, I can trust God to meet my need to feel respected. I can offer that need to Him in prayer, or read verses that remind me of my identity in Christ.

Next, I need to consider whether my desire has right motives. A legitimate desire for respect can easily turn into a wish for an ego boost whenever I feel insecure. God’s fulfillment of my need in this area may look much different than what I would choose. I see in Matthew 10:26 that Jesus said, “Whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant.”

This is definitely not the way I would naturally choose to solve my problem! Yet my wife has told me many times that when I approach her humbly in a conflict, her own heart is softened and she desires to be humble in return.

Keeping our desires in line with God’s ways requires examining his Word to learn how he has revealed himself to us. Aligning our desires with His will never fail us.

Tip #3: Prioritize your marriage above everything else, except your relationship with God.

God created the sacrament of marriage, and he expects us to honor it; after all, he designed it for our good.

In a recent podcast, Pastor Andy Stanley explained the problem with having multiple sexual partners before marriage. A good marriage depends on being able to unselfishly commit to and honor one’s partner. But in our culture, the common belief is that you should cohabitate before marriage to “test drive” your sexual and relational compatibility.

This is destructive because intimacy is not meant to be a self-centered perk of semi-commitment, but rather the fruit of an exclusive marriage relationship.

In Proverbs 5:15, we read, “Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well.” This is a physical metaphor that points to a spiritual reality. Running water symbolizes a desire for intimacy along with its need to be properly contained. Exclusivity is a prerequisite for intimacy.

Of course, life is busy. We have children, work, and budgets to worry about. It’s easy to put marriage on the backburner. Many marital conflicts arise when one spouse is overly invested in the children, while the other is giving too much to a career. Twenty years pass, the children leave the home, and the couple’s lack of intimacy becomes painfully obvious.

It’s not always this extreme, but any marriage will deteriorate without intentional work. On the flip side, the work of sowing, cultivating, and watering one’s marriage will yield a harvest of intimacy.

What are some practical steps you can implement to prioritize your marriage?

Here are a few to start with:

• Have regular times of prayer together
• Share spiritual thoughts and experiences
• Make encouragement a habit instead of criticism
• Build your spouse up in his or her insecure areas
• Weave conversation into your everyday life
• Go on dates
• Read marriage books
• Find a recreational activity you both enjoy
• Don’t cheat on your spouse, physically or emotionally

If you feel like you’ve hit a wall, seek professional help before it’s too late.

Tip #4: Focus on changing yourself.

It’s all too easy for dysfunctional patterns to arise between spouses. Once the pattern is there, it’s natural to repeat it over and over to maintain the known balance of the relationship.

For example, a self-absorbed husband may not invite his wife to share her thoughts and feelings in a safe emotional environment. As long as she engages sexually and doesn’t share too many emotional needs, he’s happy and the known balance is maintained.

But over time, the wife becomes less and less happy, because she doesn’t feel emotionally connected to her husband. Dysfunctional patterns may emerge, such as overeating, being overly invested in the children, depression, angry conflicts, infidelity, or initiating divorce.

Once the marriage has reached this point, you have to ask, “How can I change this dysfunctional pattern?”

The first step is to examine your own role in the pattern. Dysfunctional patterns between any family members usually fall into a feedback loop. Therefore, your first efforts to change the pattern will usually be met with resistance.

The good news is that if one spouse perseveres in changing their own behavior, this will set a new balance point, and the other spouse will be more likely to change on his or her own.

In the example above, a wife may break the pattern by sharing honestly her need for a close romantic relationship. She could set a boundary for herself, such as being more romantically available when she sees her husband investing time and energy into communicating with her and spending time together.

This may lead to her husband protesting that he’ll never be able to satisfy her need for communication, but she can respond by simply restating her boundary, that she needs his efforts to improve if he wants her to be able to reciprocate.

By having a positive but steadfast attitude, the wife can maintain her position and the husband will have to choose whether he wants to change his behavior or experience the consequences.

While husbands often use 1 Corinthians 7:3 to admonish their wives, it’s easy for them to overlook the broader context of the passage. Paul does tell married couples not to sexually deprive one another, but inherent in the command is the expectation for a mutual commitment to growth. This passage of Scripture is not a license to inflict insensitive demands on your spouse.

How Christian Counseling Can Help Save Your Marriage

A list of suggestions for improving your marriage doesn’t mean it will be an easy fix. A therapist friend once told me, “It is not good to make simple things complicated and complicated things simple.” The tips I’ve shared are simple in theory, but can be complicated and even confusing in practice. Each person brings his or her own history and personality to marriage. Many couples need to fix decades-long dysfunctional patterns.

“Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed” (Proverbs 15:22). One of the best helps for your marriage can be having a third party to help you sort out conflict and dysfunction in a neutral setting.

If you would like help applying biblical principles to your specific marriage situation, don’t hesitate to contact us. One of our professional therapists can walk alongside you on the journey of saving your marriage.