How to Deal with Child Behavior Problems: Setting Limits

 

When children are unable to verbally articulate their thoughts or emotions, they often resort to arguing, talking back, or simply behaving badly. While adults possess the maturity to communicate their anger with words such as “here’s what upset me to begin with,” children will simply explode, scream, or throw themselves on the floor in a full-blown tantrum.

Parents are astounded when their straightforward appeals to address child behavior problems are met with such outright resistance. You know the scenario: you’re in the kitchen and you can hear toys being thrown in the playroom along with the sound of your children yelling at each other. And it’s not the first time that day that such a scene has transpired, despite your command that they stop arguing.

While it’s easy to blame our children for these outbursts of anger and chock it up to blatant disobedience, it’s possible that we share the blame in their behavior because of our communication style or inconsistent modeling of appropriate behaviors. Take heart, however, because it’s never too late to improve your communication with your children!

However, part of that communication involves setting limits. This article will focus on the therapeutic nature of setting limits with your children as a method of addressing child behavior problems.

Tips for Parents

Some of the most significant values for parenting are unconditional positive regard, empathy, and a firm confidence in each child’s ability to experience life change. Developing these values in your parenting can have profound results.

Developing unconditional positive regard for your children means that you are more fully accepting of your child – both their positive and negative attributes and experiences – while withholding judgment or censure for wrongdoing. Children who receive unconditional positive regard from their parents feel safe and are more prone to share their experiences without fear of condemnation.

Closely linked to unconditional positive regard is the value of empathy. Empathy is the ability to feel what others feel and to recognize those feelings as neither right nor wrong but as part of being human. Empathizing with your children communicates an acceptance and value of their feelings and makes them feel seen.

Finally, the value of believing that your children are capable of growth and seeing their behaviors – both wins and losses – as evidence of growth, reminds parents that they are not 100% responsible for making them change. Parents can then assume the role of cheerleader and encourage their children to do what is sometimes difficult, rather than just making and enforcing the rules.

Setting Limits

Garry Landreth, in his teaching on child-centered play therapy, provides a model for setting limits on children’s behavior called the ACT model of limit setting. This model is composed of three parts: acknowledging the child’s feeling, communicating the boundary or limit, and targeting the alternatives.

Acknowledge Their Feelings

Utilizing the skill of reflective listening discussed previously, acknowledging your child’s feelings involves mirroring to them what you see them feeling, thinking or intending. Watch their body language, facial expressions, and make note of what they are not saying as much as what they are saying.

When they grasp that you are really paying attention and recognize what they might be experiencing, they begin to feel understood. You are also connecting their feelings with the behavior they are displaying, which is a significant part of the process.

It might look like this: “I see that you are very frustrated with your sister for not sharing her toy. You feel so angry that you wanted to throw her Barbie.”

Communicate the Limits

Setting a limit means creating a behavioral boundary line that your child is prohibited from crossing. The limit does not negate the child’s feelings of anger or frustration, however; it merely draws a line in the sand regarding what behavior is and isn’t allowed for expressing those feelings.

“…But Barbie dolls are not for throwing.”

Target the Alternative

Stating what behaviors are not okay isn’t enough when setting limits with your children; you must clarify what behavior is acceptable. We do not want to communicate the message to our children that expressing our feelings is wrong. Sometimes they just need a little help in coming up with safer, more acceptable ways to express themselves.

“You can throw the ball in the backyard.”

While giving choices is a part of this model, setting limits for your children is more than merely giving them behavioral options. It is beneficial for both the parent and the child to acknowledge the fact that there is choice involved in how we behave; they are not slaves to their impulses and can learn to exercise control over their behavior.

When you remember that your children are exercising choices in their behavior, you can relieve yourself of the responsibility for making them behave. Using the ACT model of setting limits transfers the burden of control from the parents to the child in an affirming way. It is saying, “I trust that you have what it takes to comprehend and adjust your actions as I teach you my expectations with patience, consistency, clear limits and consequences.”
Consequences
The ACT model is followed by a final step: consequences. When your child chooses to throw the toy – regardless of your having followed the three-step model – your next step is to communicate the consequences of their choice to act out.

In stating the consequence, make sure it is clear that the consequence is a result of their choice and not a result of your feelings about their choice. It could be stated like this:

“When you chose to throw the Barbie, you chose to give up 15 minutes of screen time this afternoon.”

In the beginning, this language might feel formal and scripted. With time and consistency, it will become a very natural and therapeutic way of teaching and correcting your children.

The ACT model has proven to be an incredibly helpful tool in working with children. Setting limits will establish a strong foundation for children to practice appropriate behaviors while experiencing difficult emotions.

If you would like some assistance with setting limits for your children or with your parenting techniques in general, feel free to give us a call.