Forgiving Others: What It Means for You

Bernard Meltzer was right when he said that forgiving others doesn’t change the pastm but it certainly changes the future. Studies prove that by forgiving others, one’s own mental health is improved. Those who have practiced forgiveness have reported a reduction in anxiety, diminishing of depression, and have found that other serious psychiatric disorders have improved or gone away.

Forgiving others not only improves one’s mental health, but it also promotes better physical health too. The body and the mind are connected so physical symptoms are likely to occur when an individual is stressed.

Headaches, exhaustion, and poor immunity are a few of the many physical symptoms associated with being mentally stressed. Forgiveness, however, can actually improve mental and physical health. That’s powerful!

Misconceptions about Forgiving Others

A lot of people are not aware of what forgiveness really means (and what it does not mean) and don’t completely understand what it actually even is or how it’s achieved. There are many misunderstandings when it comes to forgiveness which can understandably cause one to avoid it altogether.

There seems to be a myriad of misgivings on the subject of forgiveness. Some feel that when they forgive someone, they’re letting them get by with their wrongdoings without any accountability being held. That’s not true though. Forgiving another person does not mean that you are approving and condoning their action. It simply means you are releasing the hold that violation held on you. Forgiveness is being freed from the chains that had you bound.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you are forgetting either. It also doesn’t obligate you to rekindle a relationship with the individual. You don’t have to even let the person know you’ve forgiven them.

Now that you understand forgiveness isn’t about forgetting and isn’t justifying the actions of the offender, are you ready to proceed with the act of forgiveness? Why not think of anything that is holding you from doing so and make a list? Take a good look at the list. Are the reasons worth continuing the hurt and pain you are experiencing?

Which is more difficult – carrying the stress, physical symptoms, and negative emotions you continue to live with, or taking the steps of healing by forgiving?

Forgiveness isn’t easy and it’s not always instant. Sometimes, it takes a good bit of time to be in a place where you actually can forgive. It doesn’t have to be a reaction that is immediate. Being in the process is a huge step in the direction of total healing and wholeness.

If not being able to understand or justify the perpetrator’s actions against you is preventing you from forgiving them, rest assure it is not necessary to do so. The individual’s action wasn’t and never will be justified. The event doesn’t have to make sense because it was senseless. The actions inflicted upon you were unfathomable and downright cruel. There’s no excuse for them but neither is one required.

When attempting to conceive why these things were done to you, it’s helpful to look at the individual who did them. What are the dynamics of their family? What are their relationships with other people like? Consider their genetics. Taking a glimpse into their possibly sordid past may help you see how they were shaped and how they could have twisting thinking and behavior patterns.

What Exactly is Forgiveness?

Therapist Aid, a tool available online, does an excellent job in describing what forgiveness entails and what it does not.

Forgiveness is:

1) the conscious decision to have victory over pain which was inflicted upon you by another person;

2) the act of willfully releasing resentment, anger, shame, and every other emotion you have that’s associated with an act of injustice, regardless of the fact that those are understandable and reasonable feelings, and;

3) a commitment to treat your offender with undeserved, unmerited compassion.

In short, forgiveness involves a choice. The act of forgiving means that you are determining to do whatever it calls for in order to stop feeling the pain. It’s a decision made by you that it is time to heal.

Forgiveness isn’t:

a) repairing, returning to, or reconciling a relationship;

b) the forgetting of an injustice done unto you;

c) excusing or condoning the behavior of an offender;

d) the granting of mercy, legally, on behalf of the offender; or

e) the act of letting go while hoping for revenge.

Forgiveness Therapy: Four Phases

An intervention used in therapy with forgiveness in mind entails the four following phases: the phase of uncovering, the phase of decision, the phase of work, and the phase of deepening.

The Phase of Uncovering

Uncovering is what the first phase is all about. The client will undergo a process of taking a good look at how they were victimized and will survey what was done to them. They will also evaluate just how the perpetration affected them and exactly which areas of their life it have been immobilized by the ordeal.

Going through the phase of uncovering can reveal to an individual how not forgiving is tearing them apart and how it has them in a victim mindset. It will also show how stuck they are. Although you were a victim at one time, you are now a stronger person – a survivor.

The Phase of Decision

The next phase is the phase of decision. This is when you become educated about what forgiveness really encompasses and what it doesn’t. You are then able to make a choice whether you are going to forgive or not. Forgiveness is never forced.

The Phase of Work

Thirdly is the phase of work. This places the emphasis upon attempting to understand the offender, allowing for a fresh and new perspective, thus enabling empathy. This phase involves a change of heart and the possibility of a different perspective.

The Phase of Deepening

The final phase is the phase of deepening when things begin to fall into place. There is a diminishing of negative emotions and meaning is gradually found in the actual experience. A realization of how the victimization made one stronger is often part of this important phase. There is a new outlook and a positive transformation.

What Takes Place When One Doesn’t Forgive

Forgiveness lifts a heavy burden of anger, pain, and hurt so that we can truly live again. It involves a choice to move forward and leave the past behind. It is not something we have to do but something we have the opportunity to do. Carrying around the weight of the past adds anxiety and stress to our lives which, in turn, takes a toll on our physical and mental well-being. It keeps us captive – stuck in the misery.

It is common for individuals who’ve been hurt to carry their past emotions as a chip on their shoulders. They are easily offended and misinterpret many actions and situations, always feeling as if they need to defend themselves. Others who’ve been offended push themselves away from others and tend to isolate. Still, others go around with a big fake smile and pretend that all is well when it is far from it.

Go back to the time you were last hurt by someone. What did it feel like? Did it affect you physically? What were the symptoms, if so? Did your habits of eating change? Were you unable to sleep or did you sleep too much? How was your daily life impacted?

Now, try to imagine the very deepest hurt of all that you have carried around with you for years. How much of your time and happiness has it stolen? Can you see how you’ve been robbed of peace? Think of the anxiety and stress that has resulted.

It is likely that you don’t invest much in others and that you have serious trust issues too. You may hold grudges and even go for revenge or at least would like to do so. Are you consumed with remembering the action or actions that you experienced when you were victimized?

Many individuals who’ve been hurt and wronged feel that when they don’t forgive the offender, that is a punishment to them. Actually, however, it is a punishment to the one who was offended. Not forgiving keeps you in the offender’s grip.

Is there any advantage you can think of that clinging to hurt would bring about? You deserve to be happy, at peace, and free from all that binds you from being victimized. But, it is up to you to make the final decision to disallow the offender to control you another minute.

It’s not that forgiveness is at all easy. It is very difficult, but it is also not something that is carried out in a single instance, contrary to what a number of people believe. It is an ongoing process of steps which can be done in phases. Some phases take longer than others and everyone works through them in different time frames. There is a multitude of layers to forgiveness.

As challenging as forgiveness is, it is something that must be worked through and not around if you want to reclaim your life. And…who doesn’t?

Processing Through the Pain

Experiencing pain is extremely difficult. The process of getting through it will sometimes seem like more than you can handle. But, it isn’t. It is very worth all you will encounter during the painful part because once you work through it, you’ll come out on the other side. You will embrace freedom. You’ll be able to be at peace. You will win, not the offender. What a joyous victory that will be!

If you’re still struggling, find it hard to forgive, there is something you can do right now that can change the entire course that you’re on. That is to pray. Pray to God that He will take those negative impacts in your life away once and for all. Ask Him for the ability to forgive.

When you are transparent with God, He will see you through. Remember that a contrite heart he will not deny. He already knows your heart of hearts and is ready and willing to see you through this. He wants the best for you and knows that forgiveness is the road to freedom and life. That is why He instructs us to forgive. Not only that, He helps us through it.

God’s Forgiveness

Being a Christian shines a new light on forgiveness. God Himself chose to forgive us when we are far from perfect. Christ died even for those who hate Him, rebuke Him, and refuse to acknowledge His very existence. He was fully aware of all our failures and shortcomings and did it anyway. Knowing this can set an example of how we too can forgive and why we should.

Empathy, understanding, and compassion are huge pieces of the process of forgiveness. When those elements are not present, forgiveness will seem impossible. When you begin to understand more about the offender, it makes it more possible to forgive and to be empathetic.

Ephesians 4:31-32 tells us to do away with range, anger, and bitterness. It instructs us to be compassionate and kind and to forgive one another just as Christ forgave us.

There’s a song called “Forgiveness” by Matthew West which seems to say it all. Listen to it, if you will, and soak in the lyrics. Meditate on each and every word. Ponder the message within this song and ask for God’s help in forgiving those who’ve harmed you.

Christian Counseling Can Help in Forgiving Others

In the event that you feel having someone to walk with you and guide you during your walk through all the hurt and bitterness that has had you in a snare, please don’t put off seeking the help of a therapist. You don’t have to go this alone. There is someone who is willing and able to work with you every step of the way so you are able to finally find the ultimate peace that you deserve. Reach out to one of our compassionate and supportive counselors today.

C.S. Lewis did a great job explaining it when he compared crossing over monkey bars to forgiveness. He said that there’s a point where to simply have to let it all go to make it possible to move in a forward direction and he was absolutely right.