Infidelity and Affairs

Different people will label various behaviors as infidelity. Some would say that kissing someone other than their partner, spending money on someone else, flirting on social media, flirting on dating apps, going on a trip with another person, or going on a date is as much infidelity as having sex with that person.

A one-night stand or a long-term dalliance constitutes infidelity without question. In each relationship, the couple will have their boundaries and what they each consider infidelity. When that line is crossed, whether it’s holding someone else’s hand in a romantic setting or sending racy texts, that is infidelity.

Infidelity and affairs can happen for any number of reasons. Some of these include:

Feeling unhappy. Unhappiness in a relationship can develop over time and can be linked to not feeling heard, not feeling fulfilled, losing the emotional connection with a partner, or not having sexual or emotional needs met in the relationship.

If these needs aren’t met in the relationship, a person may begin seeking fulfillment outside the relationship. Affairs can happen with colleagues, friends, or other people who may feel more present, attentive, or engaging. The affair may be a way of finding happiness.

Pursuing “forbidden fruit.” Sometimes affairs happen because the fear of being discovered is titillating and alluring. Stolen water may appear to taste sweeter, and a person pursues what is off-limits to them precisely because it’s forbidden to them.

Something within us as human beings is drawn towards the sinful, and an affair represents one of the more wicked acts a person can engage in. The danger, the possibility that this tryst or phone call will be the last before you’re found out and so on – this all adds fuel to the fire of excitement, and to the appeal of the affair.

Desiring self-discovery. An affair can also be inspired by the desire to explore aspects of oneself that may feel stifled or be off-limits within the primary relationship. Human beings are always seeking to discover themselves and to grow. Given that this is the case for most people, relationships may make people start to feel stifled.

Having the opportunity to explore aspects of themselves will then feel attractive, whether this is sexual exploration or any other kind of self-exploration. Being in a relationship outside of the primary relationship creates a space where the individual can explore aspects of themselves which they do not get within the primary relationship.

Exploring a life that could have been. Throughout our lives we make choices and with those choices, we let go of other opportunities and avenues that we could have pursued. When you choose a romantic partner for life, that means that you forgo any other former connections you might have made, and you commit yourself fully to the person that you are with.

It’s common for people to connect with old flames on social media and find themselves wistfully reminiscing about days gone by and a life that might have been. This desire to go down the path of what could have been can lead people into affairs with their exes or it can lead them into relationships with people they may have wanted to be in a relationship with but never got the opportunity to do so.

In this instance, it’s not so much that a person is unhappy in their primary relationship as it is that curiosity overtakes them, and the thought of what could have been attracts them to someone else.

Opportunity presents itself. In some situations, an affair can occur for the simple reason that the opportunity presents itself. Affairs that take place amongst colleagues for example can happen simply because they’ve spent a considerable amount of time together and an opportunity arises, whether in the office or at a corporate trip or retreat.

One-night stands and sometimes long-term affairs can occur simply because at the first the opportunity simply was available, and the person decided to take it. Sometimes a person loses their inhibitions and takes advantage of sexual situations because of drug or alcohol use, or because of a condition such as dementia which can lower a person’s inhibitions, causing their attitudes or behavior toward sex to change.

Revenge and anger. We can express anger in unhealthy ways. One way in which anger can be expressed in an unhealthy fashion is by having an affair as an act of revenge or as a way of acting out because of something a romantic partner has done. If a romantic partner has had an affair, it is also possible that the person who was cheated on will decide to have an affair too to pay them back.

When a person in a relationship has an affair, it can produce several results. It undermines trust within the relationship. When trust is shaken or lost, it casts suspicion on the cheating partner’s social media activity, how they use their phone and computer, any financial transactions, and physical movements.

An atmosphere of distrust in a relationship stifles intimacy and a sense of connection. An affair can also introduce a sexually transmitted disease into the relationship, or an unwanted pregnancy, to name a few possible outcomes.

People may admit to having an affair for any number of reasons, including feeling guilt, being found out, fear of being caught, or feeling the other person has a right to know. Admitting to an affair can have mixed results – your partner may choose to leave the relationship, or they may stay while holding you accountable to follow certain rules going forward.

An affair can have a significant impact on a person’s mental and emotional health, and it takes a toll on your primary relationship, whether the other person in the relationship knows it or not. While difficult and with varying outcomes, admitting to infidelity, and facing the consequences of infidelity honestly and openly is the best thing for your relationship.

When infidelity happens, it can rock the relationship to its foundations. Though affairs raise questions for the couple and their future, they do not necessarily mean that the relationship is over. A marriage beset by infidelity can meet the challenge and emerge stronger on the other side of it. However, that doesn’t happen by itself – work needs to happen to get there.

Christian counseling can help a couple deal with the aftermath of infidelity by applying not only the wisdom from evidence-based therapeutic techniques likes Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), emotionally focused therapy, and so on, but more importantly, through the application of wisdom from Scripture and the resources that flow from the many promises of God.

The counselor may help you develop a deeper, biblical understanding of marriage and the meaning of that commitment while addressing any patterns of thought and behavior that serve to undermine the relationship. The counseling space is a safe one in which you (one-on-one with a counselor or together with your spouse in couple’s counseling) can explore why the infidelity occurred.

Sessions may include exercises that will assist in developing better communication, strengthening your relationship, and building accountability, but your counselor will develop the appropriate plan for your needs.

An affair may have rocked your marriage or relationship, and you are facing some tough choices ahead, but you can begin processing and dealing with it in a safe space with a trained counselor who understands the complicated dynamics of human relationships.

You don’t have to walk that journey alone – browse our counselor directory to find a counselor who will create a safe space for you to explore your questions and help you begin to move forward. Contact us for an appointment to begin addressing what has happened and start your journey toward healing and wholeness.