Conflict Resolution Strategies for a Healthy Marriage

Conflict is inevitable in every relationship where people spend any amount of time around each other. Marriage means you spend plenty of time with and around each other, which means you have many opportunities to have disagreements and generate friction. For a relationship to flourish, you must employ healthy conflict resolution, respect each other’s differences, and create room for change.

Below are a few strategies that you can employ to resolve conflict in your marriage. One has to keep an eye on the issue that’s causing conflict, but it’s also important to exercise care in how you handle conflict. A quick temper and harsh words, for instance, can cause a relatively simple issue to flare up into a five-alarm fire that causes a lot of relational damage.

Helpful Conflict Resolution Strategies

Love covers a multitude of sins.

Before you launch into conflict with your spouse, it’s important to consider at least two things; one is the bigger picture, and the other is to discern whether the issue you’re bringing up is something you can overlook or that needs to be addressed.

When you argue with your spouse, recognize that there is always context for the tension and conflict you’re experiencing. By understanding the larger context that stands behind the argument, it is much easier to exercise empathy and resolve what lies at the heart of the issue.

For example, you and your spouse may be getting snippy with each other, but those expressions of irritation with each other may be flowing from deeper issues or other stressors in your life.

Perhaps you’re undergoing financial strain, or work has been hard for you both lately, or one of you is emotionally exhausted, or you may still be wrestling with grief, or perhaps you’ve been drifting apart and have lost a bit of emotional intimacy. Any number of things can contribute to relational strain and conflict.

Considering the larger context of your relationship and the season you’re in as a couple will help you when conflict arises. Seeing this larger picture will help you cut each other some slack when you know that one or both of you are having it rough and need to engage in conflict resolution.

It’s also important to discern whether your cause of concern can be overlooked, or if it needs to be addressed. Your spouse likely does things that can be annoying at times. Maybe it’s how they chew their food. Perhaps it’s about how they don’t put their plate in the dishwasher, or laundry in the clothes hamper.

Maybe they’ve decided to stop working out and have been putting on a bit of weight. Whatever it may be, you have to consider whether you can keep the peace by overlooking some things and rather see these situations as opportunities to serve and love your spouse.

Know your conflict style.

What’s your fighting style? When conflict happens, a couple will use different kinds of conflict resolution. One person wants to face the issue head-on and talk it through till it’s resolved. The other partner might need time and space alone to process their thoughts before speaking. If you have a situation in which one or both of you are unaware of how you face conflict, you can talk past one another and escalate the conflict needlessly.

Both partners need to know what’s going on with themselves and with each other. If you know that you tend to clam up and refuse to engage until you’ve figured yourself out, your partner must know that, so they don’t assume you’re just giving them the silent treatment.

Tell them that there’s an issue and set a time limit for yourself so that you don’t endlessly ruminate and keep your partner in the dark. Alternatively, if you know that you’re quite assertive and that that can be read as aggression at times, then it’s important that your spouse knows this, and that you moderate your approach so that you say what you want to say, and know that you are heard.

Fill the gap with grace.

You may be the one person in the world that knows your spouse best. However, that doesn’t mean that you’re a mind reader, nor does it mean you always know why your spouse says and does what they do. If you’ve been married for a while, you can assume you know the whys and wherefores that motivate your spouse.

This may be true in many cases, and it can serve you well, like when you’re getting them gifts or making their favorite dinner. But it can also be a disservice to you because you can make assumptions about what your spouse means.

There are times when your spouse says or does something that can be read as hurtful, or that can be read generously as mistaken or simply a misunderstanding. One way to help you resolve conflict is to always give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. Assume good intentions and don’t jump to any conclusions until you get clarity about an issue.

If you assume the best, it will shape how you approach them and the conversation. Your questions about what they said or did, won’t sound skeptical or sarcastic. When we do that, that can make the other person put their back up. We get angry and defensive if someone assumes wrongdoing or bad faith on our part. No one wants to be judged unfairly before they’ve had a chance to speak up for themselves.

You should make it a rule to hesitate in forming conclusions and to fill the gap between what you understand and what your spouse might mean with grace. Seek out the facts before reaching a conclusion, because if you approach a situation having already made up your mind, which is counterproductive.

Come with an open mind.

In line with the idea of filling the gap with grace is the conflict resolution strategy of coming to a conversation to resolve conflict with an open mind. Be willing to hear what your spouse is saying and be willing to change your mind about something.

After all, the point of life together with your spouse is to build a life together, not for you to be right or to win an argument. Having an open mind allows you to discuss the options available and to take the path that is best for you both.

Set aside time to talk.

When you intend to address a concern, be sure to set aside uninterrupted time to talk and work things through. There’s nothing more frustrating than having a serious conversation and getting interrupted often.

The key to conflict resolution is to have a regular time set aside, perhaps at the end of each day, or at least once a week, to check in with each other and raise any concerns. If you get into the habit of handling issues together regularly, you’ll build the capacity to continue doing so.

Setting time aside to talk also includes dealing with issues promptly. Paul reminds the Christians in Ephesus, “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger” (Ephesians 4:26, ESV). If you hold onto your anger for a while and don’t resolve the issue promptly, that’s a sure recipe for breeding resentment. It is better by far to address a problem promptly while it’s still unfolding than to allow it to take root; it’ll be harder to take things in hand once they spiral out of control.

Deal with one issue at a time.

Another key conflict resolution strategy is to stay on task and address one thing at a time. When you’re addressing your spouse’s tardiness, it’s probably wise not to take the opportunity to bring up their poor attitude toward your mother. After all, love “keeps no record of wrongs” (1 Corinthians 13:5, NIV), so don’t dredge up past transgressions when dealing with a present crisis. Deal with one thing at a time, and don’t bring up past issues if you don’t have to.

Use effective listening skills.

Many people find it easier to talk than to listen, especially if they’re angry and feel like they need to defend themselves. The words from James may be instructive here: “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires” (James 1:19-20, NIV).

Create room to listen to your spouse – no distractions, such as the TV or your phone – and allow them to feel like you’ve truly listened to them. Ask probing and clarifying questions, summarize what they say, and ask them if you’ve understood their concerns.

Make sure that your body language and non-verbal communication is indicating that you are listening. Use “I” statements when expressing yourself and be clear or what the next steps are after you’ve agreed on something.

This all may seem a bit mechanical, but with practice, you can become an effective listener. When you know what your spouse wants, and what they expect, it helps you avoid guessing when you’re trying to meet their needs.

Give grace and forgive each other.

Above all else, when you’re dealing with your spouse, it’s important to show each other grace. You are both sinners, two imperfect people that God has brought together into a lifelong union. Even if you don’t believe in God or are not a believer, it’s a truism to say there are no perfect people, and you need forgiveness as much as your spouse does.

The apostle Paul wrote, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32, ESV). God’s forgiveness toward humanity through Jesus Christ is expansive, forgiving much more than we could ever know.

Forgiveness helps us uproot resentment from our hearts, and it’s the soil a healthy relationship grows out of. On your journey together with your spouse, you will need to keep each other accountable, as that matters. However, forgiveness helps you along your path as you give one another room for change to take root.

Finding Help to Resolve Conflict in Your Marriage

Each marriage will have its own challenges, so there will be limits to the kind of advice an article can offer. If you and your spouse need ongoing guidance to help you resolve conflict successfully, and to develop skills to handle issues with emotional maturity, you can seek help from a professional.

A Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist can help a couple to work through the root issues that manifest as conflict, and help them develop the skills they need to resolve conflict successfully. If you’re struggling with conflict in your marriage, make an appointment with a therapist to help you restore the peace and flourishing God desires for your marriage.