Christian Marriage Counseling for People Pleasers

References Milan and Kay Yerkovich’s book, “How We Love.”

This article examines one of the personality imprints discussed in Milan and Kay Yerkovich’s book, How We Love – a very informative book for helping people conquer pleaser-related problems.

Many people around the world deal with the unsettling prospect of upsetting someone in everyday situations. Outside the home, this could mean asking for a pay raise, informing a colleague of his mistakes, or reminding someone not to cut in line at the grocery. At home, this could be confronting your teenagers about poor school performance or reminding your spouse about home obligations.

While these kinds of instances are considered normal, for people pleasers, such encounters bring an abnormally high level of stress. If unchecked, this anxiety over upsetting others often leads a people pleaser to take the easy way out by not properly addressing the situation at hand. Sadly, this can become ruinous to a relationship, especially if it concerns important issues in one’s marriage.

Please don’t be mad at me!

People often become pleasers because they were raised by either an overprotective parent or a hypercritical one. In the case of overprotectiveness, the child was taught to fear or be anxious about many situations in life.

And because the overprotective parent was always intervening in troublesome or fearsome childhood situations – even if just a minor one, the person grows up not knowing how to deal with such circumstances and the corresponding emotional reactions.

In the case of a hypercritical parent, people may become pleasers to evade criticism or anger from their parent. As described by the Yerkovichs, such people become “good boys” and “good girls” to avoid abuse or anxiety. Because they are worried about other people’s feelings, they neglect their own emotions and so never learn how to handle them. (71-73)

Sometimes, this leads to anxiety even outside the home: “Being away from the house can be stressful for these kids. That’s because they are unable to monitor the moods and atmosphere of the home environment when they are gone. Then returning home requires an assessment of the prevailing mood so these young pleasers can adjust their behavior accordingly.” (75)

Additionally, the imprint may be the result of a constant source of anxiety such as a learning disability. Because of their difference, school becomes a tribulation for them as they are teased daily. So they are always fearful of having to perform in class such as answering aloud or solving problems on the board. (76)

I’m not anxious; just a bit stressed

Pleasers are people who are emotionally always on their toes in fear of a situation going bad because of something said or done. They may claim it is just stress but it really is constant anxiety. When matters become tense around them, they tend to do what is needed to defuse the situation in order to calm their own nerves as well.

Since they did not learn how to deal with intimidating circumstances during childhood, as adults, they do their best to prevent or avoid them. This is particularly true for pleasers who had a hypercritical parent – especially if very abusive – as the smallest sign of anger or displeasure may cause them to either flee or rapidly step in to fix the problem.

On the surface, pleasers may seem to be very selfless as they put others’ needs before them in the hope that everyone will just get along. But the reality is that they are afraid of confrontation or rejection. This is particularly true for a pleaser spouse who is always gauging the partner’s mood.

For example, a pleaser wife may take up an activity with her husband such as faithfully watching the news on TV with him or perhaps sitting together after a meal for a glass of wine. To others, this may look like a husband and wife bonding activity; but in reality, the pleaser wife is gauging her husband’s feelings about her.

If the activity goes well, if they laugh and enjoy or discuss things animatedly, then all must be well between them. But if he is listless or perhaps decides to do something other than the routine, she interprets this as something wrong with her.

The problem, of course, is that his disinterest may have nothing at all to do with her. However, pleasers are so emotionally unprepared to handle rejection that even the smallest refusals send them spiraling into dejection. (83)

Moreover, pleaser adults often allow themselves to be taken for granted. Since they cannot say “no” to the important people (or even acquaintances!) around them, they either sacrifice the things they would prefer to do or they become overburdened by various, and possibly conflicting demands.

But pleasers do so willingly and accept the added burdens as it is more important for them to feel needed than to deal with an angered or disappointed loved one.

One final characteristic of pleaser adults is their inability to decide. Because their happiness depends upon the happiness of those around them, they cannot make the big decisions in life as the wrong choices may have emotional consequences.

So instead of taking the reins, or even sharing the reins, they give it up to someone else. In a marriage, this may mean that family and financial responsibilities fall solely on the shoulders of their spouse – which may be a cause of further strife later down the road.

What the Bible says about this

Life will always be riddled with difficult choices and challenging encounters, and our being Christian does not make us immune to such. But Scripture speaks strongly against being fearful. “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” (2 Tim 1:7 NKJV)

Caution and wisdom are important to avoid obvious pitfalls. But irrational fear, especially if it is simply the fear of pleasing other people, should not prevent us from accomplishing God’s purpose in our life.

In both the Old and New Testaments, God’s people faced very trying, and at times, terrifying circumstances. But those of faith stood strong amidst the adversity and overcame it with God’s help. Fear was not necessarily taken away from them; rather, faith in an all-powerful God gave them the courage to face their situation.

Overcoming People Pleasing through Christian Marriage Counseling

Though difficult, imprints are not impossible to defeat. They may have generally shaped how you relate to others, but if you are willing to conquer them so that you can finally interact more lovingly with the people around you, then it can be done.

This article is accompanied by another which has techniques from How We Love to help pleaser adults overcome their imprint. Christian marriage counseling from a professional counselor equipped with proven therapeutic methods involving spiritual principles is also available to help you attain the life of integrity God desires for you.

If you are married, you may wish to discuss the effects of you and your spouse’s imprints on your relationship during Christian marriage counseling. Such discussions may greatly improve your spousal relationship, preventing major issues from creeping up later on in life.