Building Friendships and Other Relationship Advice for Men

For this article, I am going to refer to Arthur Brooks’ From Strength to Strength which gives remarkable insight into the four stages of each of our lives. While this does apply to women, this article is about relationship advice for men, and many men will closely identify with these stages.

Brooks writes of a conversation he overheard while on board an airplane, where a man’s wife was affirming him, his life’s work, the impact he has made, and saying very direct statements, such as, “No, you are not better off dead. You are not worthless. You are a great man and you have done great things.”

Later the author saw that the man in question was not the anonymous individual he supposed, but rather an established American hero, a household name, and the epitome of success.

Many high achievers get to the third quarter of their lives and begin to tangibly notice that their brain’s ability to think quickly, react, and adapt promptly to surprises begins to slow down and deteriorate. These people are often addicted to professional success and depend on their mental agility for this success.

Many professionals find that these losses are exceptionally difficult to deal with and so attempts are made to hang on to past successes. However, these attempts backfire, and instead of maintaining our stature, they become labeled as those just trying to hang on. This has the potential to make anyone in that position bitter and depressed.

Relationship advice for men: Have good friends

Through Brooks’ research into how people can age gracefully and go through life by adding value to the lives of others, there are some key findings. The first bit of relationship advice for men is to recognize the importance and effect of friendship.

The same effect is seen throughout nature. In trees, the aspen tree species shows the effect of having an established support system. Over time an aspen’s horizontal root structure can become the main stem of the plant and sprout new trees as older trees age. Some colonies of aspens are estimated to be thousands of years old.

The redwood sequoia trees are famous for their height, yet their roots are comparatively shallow. Their stability comes from the way their roots interlock with neighboring trees. The trees are individuals but are interdependent on one another for their growth and survival.

Author Arthur Cohen wrote that identifying ourselves as individuals first and foremost is an illusion, and that we, like the roots of the giant redwoods, are all intertwined. If we ignore this reality, we open ourselves up to self-centredness, loss of hope, fear, and loneliness.

Humans are naturally interconnected, and isolation is exceptionally difficult. So much so that scientists estimate it can remove fifteen years from one’s life.

Scientific studies showing relationship advice for men

In 1938 Harvard medical school began studying 268 men to have a long-term study that would reveal clues on what it took to lead a healthy and happy life. It is ongoing and today it is known as the Harvard Study on Adult Development.

Researchers surveyed the men throughout their lives and looked for characteristics that would make some happier and more fulfilled than others. The rating ranged from happy and well through to sad and sick.

The study finds that certain uncontrollable factors made some have a better life while not being dependent on or determined by the individual in any way. These include the social lives of their parents, a happy childhood, long-lived ancestors, and avoiding clinical depression which, many times, is chemical in nature.

Seven rules for health and happiness

Seven significant influencing factors were found to be in the control of the individual, some of these are predictable, while others are surprising:

1. Smoking – do not start, or quit early.
2. Drinking – alcohol abuse stunts your life.
3. Weight – maintain a healthy body weight in a normal range.
4. Exercise – walking every day so that you have an elevated heart rate for thirty minutes.
5. Coping – develop an adaptive coping style where you deal with problems effectively.
6. Education – lifelong learning characterized by wide reading.
7. (and the most important, by far) Relationships – foster stable, long-term relationships.

Good relationships were found to be key to physical and mental health. The study verifies that happiness is shared. Good relationships keep us healthier and happier.

But the problem is that achieving healthy and happy relationships is not simple. The characteristic of loneliness can verify this. Loneliness is not necessarily being alone. Some people require quiet time to themselves, which is normal and healthy.

Rather, loneliness is the pain of feeling alone. Social isolation is increasing, and it leads to poor health outcomes. The health impact of loneliness is similar to smoking 15 cigarettes each day, says the National Institute of Aging in 2022. From a health point of view, loneliness is considered worse than being obese.

A 2021 Harvard study showed that 36% of all Americans felt “serious loneliness.” Keep in mind that married people can, and often do, feel alone. Records show that some of the loneliest people cite an absent spouse as the reason for their emotional isolation.

If people do not figure out how to build relationships during their middle age, this loneliness worsens during retirement.

Loneliness at work

Authority figures at work are often also found to be lonely. The typical ambitious professional often becomes addicted to success, and they leave little room for friends and family. Senior corporate leaders find it difficult to establish relationships with those subordinates who report to them.

A line manager is often seen as a figure who dispenses power and often reminds subordinates of authority figures from their childhood. Added to this, leaders often distance themselves from their subordinates at work, making these relationships more difficult.

Friends and lovers

Marriage is understood to be the most important relationship we can ever have. While it is romantic, the friendship part is what binds it together so tightly. This love that is seen in marriage is expressed in a joint commitment to the relationship.

While this seems a simple solution, it is borne out by tried and tested research. For couples to be happy, they need to both love and like each other.

There are exceptional health benefits to having close personal relationships. However, marriage should not take the place of other close friends. If your spouse passes or leaves you, friends are important to your present and future fulfillment.

It is said that you need at least two close personal friends. And as the adage says, to have a friend you must be a friend. Friendships do not automatically happen but come through investing in the friendship.

Almost always, women are often far better at looking outwards for emotional support and so will find friendships easier to achieve. If we have children, they will likely not be our best friends either. Children need to leave and cleave from their parents and have a chance to focus on their own lives.

Telling your real friends from your deal friends

We need real friends, not deal friends. If you are new to the term, deal friends are defined as people with whom we have the least emotional connection and mostly serve the purpose of helping us achieve our goals. Brooks refers to Aristotle’s view of a perfect friendship where there is a deep mutual desire for the other that is not based upon self-interest.

Here is a challenge for you while you read this article: Take a breath and name two or three real, deep friends.

Now ask: When was the last time you spoke to these people?

Rebuilding the bonds of friendship

If you are tempted to feel that it is too late to save the good friendships you wish you had kept, that you have burnt your bridges and there is no going back. Be encouraged that this is not true.

Speak with them and explain to them that you would like to re-establish your friendship with them. If you are in a position where you must make amends for your past behavior, then do so.

Consider how you can deepen your most important relationships. One method some find useful is to list each relationship and do something each week to maintain or deepen it.

This may mean leaving work on time to ensure you enjoy dinner with the family, watching a movie, or attending a sports event. By making relationships one of the primary purposes of your life, you will find that deep friendships are far more fulfilling than professional success.

Christian counseling and relationship advice for men

If you’re looking for additional help to better understand relationship advice for men and how to effectively deal with relationships at home, at work, or in your social life beyond this article, please browse our online counselor directory or contact our office to schedule an appointment. We would be honored to walk with you toward a place of healing and hope.