Affair Recovery: Sifting through Common Excuses for Infidelity

References “Intimate Allies” by Dan B. Allender and Tremper Longman III and “The Meaning of Marriage” by Timothy Keller

If you commit adultery, it’s because of a lack of integrity on your part—no exceptions. You can’t blame it on an unloving spouse or an unsatisfying marriage; ultimately it comes down to who you are as a person. Do you use your spouse’s shortcomings as an excuse to sin, or are you a person who keeps your covenant no matter what?

Excuses People Make for Cheating

1. My spouse let him or herself go

Sometimes, a husband’s infidelity is blamed on a wife who “lets herself go.” Though that’s a subjective description, let’s ask for the sake of argument what would cause a wife to put less effort into her appearance and demeanor.

What happens in a marriage where a wife stops trying to look nice? It’s not because she’s locked down a man and doesn’t have to worry about it anymore. It’s because she’s exhausted or feels her husband doesn’t appreciate her efforts.

Still, it’s important for wives to have the self-respect not to give up because they feel neglected; rather, a wife should explore the root of what’s making her feel so exhausted, and ask what measures she can take to gain more rest and refreshment so she can be the best version of herself.

Meanwhile, a husband who feels his wife is “letting herself go” should look at his own behavior and his responsibility to his family. Why does his wife not feel the need to look nice for him anymore? Is it because he is neglecting her in any way? Or does she feel overwhelmed by responsibilities and needs, and he could help lift some of her burdens so that she has more time for self-care?

 2. I haven’t felt this way in years

The honeymoon period of a relationship is inherently short-term. You should still feel affectionate and attracted to your spouse, but you won’t feel butterflies every time you see them. But you will in the beginning stages of an illicit relationship.

There’s a simple, biological explanation for why the early stages of a relationship are so exhilarating. Research has shown that the initial infatuation (for example, not being able to eat or sleep) doesn’t last more than two years. If you live for this infatuation, you’ll have to constantly find a new relationship, because the excitement of each one will gradually fade—it’s inevitable.

“What you think of as being head over heels in love is in large part a gust of ego gratification, but it’s nothing like the profound satisfaction of being known and loved. When over the years someone has seen you at your worst, and knows you with all your strengths and flaws, yet commits him- or herself to you wholly, it is a consummate experience … The kind of love life I am talking about is not devoid of passion, but it’s not the same kind of passion that is there during the days of naïveté. When Kathy first held my hand, it was an almost electrical thrill.

Thirty-seven years later, you don’t get the same buzz out of holding your wife’s hand that you did the first time. But as I look back on that initial sensation, I realize that it came not so much from the magnitude of my love for her but from the flattery of her choice of me. In the beginning it goes to your head, and there is some love in that, but there are a lot of other things, too. There is no comparison between that and what it means to hold Kathy’s hand now, after all we’ve been through” (Keller 95).

3. I don’t love them anymore

As a teenager in youth group, I remember one of our leaders saying that the only reason she was still married is because she made a covenant promise to her husband and the Lord on her wedding day. This floored me; I’d never heard an adult speak candidly about marriage being difficult.

But we don’t emphasize this enough. Marriage is held together by the determination to be faithful to a covenant. Emotions come and go, and sometimes you won’t feel very much love or desire for your spouse.

So what do you do? You love them anyway

“You do the acts of love, despite your lack of feeling. You may not feel tender, sympathetic, and eager to please, but in your actions you must be tender, understanding, forgiving, and helpful. And, if you do that, as time goes on you will not only get through the dry spells, but they will become less frequent and deep, and you will become more constant in your feelings. This is what can happen if you decide to love” (Keller 104).

You don’t show much faith simply by serving someone you’re head over heels for. But when you serve someone who sets your teeth on edge, that shows where the true strength of your faith lies. Christ served us at our most sinful and unloving.

“You see, at the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Matthew 5:6-8).

Christian Counseling for Affair Recovery

“Adultery is like the worship of false gods. It allows for the passion that God intended without bowing the knee to the one whom we were called to love. Adultery is not merely sex with the wrong person; it is union with someone who will never require us to face our sinfulness or draw forth out glory so that we are more and more in awe of God. It is intimacy without commitment, flight from the struggle of intimacy without ever facing our part in the loss” (Allender, Longman III 308-309).

A professional Christian counselor will assist you as a couple to work through affair recovery and other marriage issues in a safe and neutral setting. A counselor is not a judge, but a helper who wants to walk alongside you in strengthening your marriage.