What is Codependency? Signs and Symptoms Explained

What is codependency? “A disease of lost selfhood.” That’s how author Charles Whitefield describes codependence in his book Codependence: Healing the Human Condition.

Whitefield says that codependence is the result of expecting someone else to take responsibility for us, and becoming consumed with what that person wants us to be. In the end, a codependent person loses sight of his or her personal identity and unique desires.

Whitefield describes this as an addiction because it’s such a strong compulsion to look outside of ourselves to another human being to make us fulfilled and happy. The addicted person cannot feel whole on their own. This, he claims, is the root of all addictions, whether that be to a person, drugs, alcohol, or sex—the search for fulfillment in something or someone that cannot provide it.

According to Wikipedia, codependence is a dysfunctional relationship based on “helping.” The helper supports or enables the dependent person’s addiction, whether that be to drugs, alcohol, gambling, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.

It’s fascinating to look at the research related to codependence. Studies have shown that this dysfunctional way of relating to others can be passed down from one generation to the next. This makes sense when we consider that our family of origin is the context in which we learn to relate to others.

For example, in families where one person is an alcoholic, it’s very common for another person to become the enabler who refuses to acknowledge the problem and constantly sacrifices themselves to serve the addict. Children growing up in such a family learn to avoid emotions and seek their identity in others. Even as adults, they will deny that anything was wrong in their family of origin.

Codependency Symptoms

Codependency symptoms fall into several categories. The books Codependent No More and Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody have identified fourteen characteristics that act as symptoms. Here we will look at brief descriptions of twelve of them:

Caretaking Codependents don’t just feel responsible to other people; they feel responsible for them, including what they’re thinking and feeling, their personal decisions, and any problems they have. If their suggestions are not taken, they may feel offended. When they’re with someone who is needy, they feel safe, and they are uncomfortable receiving service or gifts from others.

These “helpers” often overcommit themselves and abandon personal habits and routines in order to help someone else. They may be secretly resentful that other people don’t do the same for them, but they would never admit that. If there’s no crisis and no one to help, they may feel bored or empty.

Low self-worth

Codependents suffer from a sense of unworthiness and feel that they are not good enough. They greatly desire compliments, but then reject them. They feel as if the whole world is against them, and they don’t feel deserving of blessings; instead, they take all the blame when things go wrong. Their lives often feel worthless.

Repression

Strict control often characterizes the life of the codependent. They are afraid to let their true selves show because they’re fearful of what other people will think.

Obsession

Constant worry plagues codependents—not only about themselves but about other people’s problems. Enmeshment characterizes their relationships, leading them to focus all their energy on others, often someone else in particular.

Controlling

Many codependents have experienced the disappointment of living with someone who was out of control (e.g., an alcoholic father). Now they try to control their relationships through manipulation, playing the martyr, acting helpless, or using guilt. They often feel manipulated and controlled in return.

Denial

Another hallmark of codependency is acting as if things aren’t as bad as they seem, along with using other sources to suppress emotions. They may use tranquilizers or food to self-medicate or become workaholics or spendthrifts. They might wonder to themselves why they feel crazy sometimes.

Dependency

Alone with themselves, codependents cannot find peace. Instead, they look to others for happiness. They’re afraid that they will never receive love and approval, and may feel unable to take care of themselves adequately. They’ll even stay in abusive relationships, believing that’s the only way for them to receive love.

Poor communication skills

Codependents often struggle to communicate effectively and constructively with others. They may use threats, begging, coercion, or blame. Many times they talk too much and gossip frequently. Another hallmark of codependency is having trouble saying no to requests. They can often feel that they are “bothering” other people.

Weak boundaries

Healthy boundaries help to create healthy relationships, yet codependents often have difficulty establishing these boundaries. Their own personal boundaries are frequently subject to violation by others, and they usually tolerate this and make the boundaries more flexible in response but eventually, they may become angry and intolerant.

Lack of trust

Sadly, codependents lack trust not only in themselves and their own feelings and decisions, but they also struggle to trust other people, and they may even feel as if God himself has abandoned them.

Anger

Codependents are frequently overwhelmed by emotions such as fear, hurt, and anger; oftentimes, they live with other people who are the same way. These emotions may be displayed through tears, depression, overreactions, physical illness, or outbursts of temper. If they believe someone else has made them angry, they will often try to punish that person.

Sexual difficulties

In many cases, codependents have a dysfunctional relationship with sex, believing that they must participate in it in order to be loved, even if they don’t want to. Their lack of desire may also lead them to withdraw into abstinence, coming up with reasons not to have sex, and they may even feel revolted by it. Sex becomes an obligation that they refuse to enjoy.

Counseling for Codependency

These symptoms of codependence are not exhaustive, but perhaps you recognize some of them in yourself or in someone you love. Over time, the dysfunction of codependent relationships can result in illness, depression, hopelessness, and isolation. To cope, codependents will often turn to alcohol, drugs, food, sex, or even suicidal thoughts.

If you or someone you love is struggling with this, please know that there is help available. A licensed mental health counselor can help you navigate these issues and find hope and healing on the other side of codependence.