Practical Tips for Anger Management in Children

As emotionally-wired human beings, we have all experienced anger and frustration. It can be an incredibly powerful feeling and can lead us to exhibit inappropriate or even completely unacceptable behavior. This is no more apparent than when we are growing up.

There are plenty of reasons why a child may experience outbursts of anger: a triggering anxiety, a spike in hormones, or even a simple character disposition. As parents, the important thing is that you know how to appropriately deal with your child’s anger when it inevitably rises to the surface.

Too often, parents fall into two opposing styles when dealing with an angry child. Permissive parents may focus on being closely connected to their child but can be ill-equipped to deal with any anger that may be directed at them. Thus, they may seek to control when a crisis hits. This sort of inconsistency is never healthy.

The second category of parenting is that of the authoritarian. These parents do not know how to celebrate good behavior and struggle to be encouraging. These types of parents find it difficult to grant any level of autonomy to their child, thus provoking their anger.

A lot of the time, parents switch between these two different styles, creating confusion for their child. Especially when a child is dealing with anger issues, they require stable and consistent parenting.

Parenting with Love and Logic by Jim Fay and Foster Cline defines these two parenting characters in a helpful way: ‘The Drill Sergeant’ and ‘The Helicopter Parent.’ The Drill Sergeant is like a military leader, barking orders at their child and making them feel small and incapable of coping with life on their own. The Helicopter Parent, on the other hand, is constantly “hovering” and seeking to protect, giving their child no space to thrive.

The interesting thing is that children benefit from their parents exhibiting a dose of each of these characteristics at different times. However, when there is imbalance it is unhealthy for both the parent and the child.

Anger Management in Children: A Healthy Approach

Ephesians 6:4 reads, “Father, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” In other words, Paul is admonishing fathers to not provoke their children to anger, but to provide them with a training process that builds their character through exposure to principles that are good for them.

The authors of Parenting with Love and Logic have articulated four key areas designed to reflect a godly approach and lead both the parent and child into a flourishing relationship when dealing with anger management in children.

These are:

• Developing an expectation of behavior
• Discussing the consequences when expectations are not met
• Following through on the consequences with compassion when expectations are not reached
• Allowing the child to fail, dust themselves off and try again

The hope is that the child will begin to learn from the consequences of their actions, and will gain an understanding of how to manage their own behavior without living in fear of their parents’ unpredictable reaction.

A child’s anger is often related to their feeling patronized, undervalued, and underappreciated. These techniques aim to deal with this effectively and help you encourage your child to take responsibility for their own actions. Let’s examine Fay and Cline’s parenting principles:

Developing Expectations

God is very clear when it comes to drawing up consequences for our behavior. Do we have a freedom to choose what we wish to do with our lives? Of course. But there are also expectations that we must seek to meet when living as Christians. Expectations and consequences are clear in the life of a believer, and the same should be true for any child.

Parents must seek to create expectations for their children in a safe and stable environment. These expectations must not be hurried or implemented as knee-jerk reactions. Every child’s expectations and consequences are going to look slightly different, and the key is being able to tailor them to the developmental stage in which the child finds themselves.

Discussing Consequences

Again, parents must always seek to lay out clear-cut consequences to their children without simply punishing them for their bad behavior on any given day. Ill-thought-out, off-the-cuff consequences, rarely result in a long-term change of behavior. They usually just leave the child feeling angrier. So, set out the consequences for bad behavior when both parent and child are calm and willing to engage sensibly.

Many parents cite the teaching of Proverbs 22:15, “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it out.” But this must be interpreted wisely. Discipline is a great consequence, but it must be administered fairly and with forewarning of what it is to entail. Keeping your child engaged and informed about certain disciplinary consequences is of vital importance. Otherwise, they may feel insecure, angry or even frightened at what is to come when they mess up.

Compassion and Letting Your Child Mess Up Well

Failure is part of life. We all mess up, we all get things wrong, we all get frustrated, tired and angry. Never put an expectation of perfection on your child, and always remind them of their fallible humanity, as you highlight your own.

Jonah 3:10 reads: “When God saw what they did and how they turned from their evil ways, he relented and did not bring on them the destruction he had threatened.” God desires that we flourish and live without fear. Parents must adopt this attitude when disciplining their children.

Do not be a parent who is feared by their kids. Don’t develop a reputation for possessing wrath. Show compassion to your children, forgive them, and help them focus on the consequences of their behavior in a healthy way. This is the only way to experience true, godly, and enduring change in the life of your child.

The way in which parents respond to their kids when they mess up teaches them the heart of God for their life. God is all about second chances. He picks us up when we get things wrong, he shows us grace and he lets us have another go. This gracious heart of the Father should be mirrored in our parenting as we seek to encourage our children to develop into all God has called them to be.