Relationship Advice: How to Build a Marriage that Lasts

Since statistics say that half of all marriages are ending in divorce, couples often wonder if their own marriages are doomed. But it’s not as if random marriages are condemned from the start; there are reliable indicators of future marital failure. Consider this relationship advice from Drs. John and Julie Gottman.

Relationship Advice: 8 Warning Signs

John Gottman and his associates have studied and interviewed married couples for decades, and they’ve provided a list of characteristics common to those couples who eventually divorce.

1. More negativity than positivity

Negativity isn’t always a bad thing. It can be a healthy part of a relationship by “culling out interaction patterns that don’t work, renewing courtship over time, etc.” But negativity becomes destructive when there’s so much focus on each other’s flaws that positivity almost completely disappears.

Gottman’s research found that in stable marriages, there are five positive interactions for every negative one. This doesn’t mean you have to quantify your interactions, but do keep in mind the potentially catastrophic effect of constant dissension, and don’t hesitate to consult a Christian counselor  to help you work through some of the issues causing division.

2. The four horsemen of the apocalypse

The “four horsemen” are behaviors that almost universally precede the end of a marriage:  “criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.” The more these behaviors exist, the worse the marriage becomes. In general, wives become critical, and husbands stonewall more often.

Gottman also found that the more negativity there was in a marriage, the more often a spouse turned away from their partner’s efforts to connect emotionally.

In Romans 1, Paul describes sin running rampant in a society given over to depravity. There’s no remaining integrity or self-control. People completely disregard one another. “They are full of envy, murder, strife… no love, no mercy.”

This can be seen in marriages that are overrun by the “four horsemen.” Spouses become consumed by sinful and unloving mindsets, overwhelmed by their own selfishness along with the pain of rejection from their partner. They become enemies until their marriage is irreparably broken.

3. Emotional disengagement and withdrawal 

Emotions dry up as the relationship gets worse. Even arguments aren’t as intense anymore, and friendship seems to fade away. “There was a marked lack of affection, shared humor, question-asking, active interest, excitement, joy, support, and empathy.”

In a similar way to the previous indicator, this characteristic also includes spouses who ignore their partner’s attempts to show affection (31).

4. The failure of repair attempts

Surprisingly, Gottman says that avoiding conflict isn’t the goal, “even (conflicts) that are painful and alienating. Nor should it be (avoiding) hurting one another’s feelings, or avoiding times when they do not respond to one another’s needs for emotional connection.”

Conflict is inevitable, whether in marriage or other relationships. A relationship without conflict is like Seattle without clouds. Disagreement can be necessary to address problems. And how can a marriage be improved if avoiding conflict is more important than addressing weaknesses in the relationship?

Instead of avoiding conflict, the goal should be to view it as inevitable, but keep it under control and approach all problems with the goal of improving the marriage (32). Paul admonished the Galatians, “Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently” (Gal. 6:1 NIV).

If you feel the need to confront your spouse, consider how you would handle a disagreement with a coworker. Would you storm in and start attacking them from every angle? Most likely you wouldn’t but would approach the matter delicately and try to get them to see your perspective.

This doesn’t mean you give up or give in if your spouse gets upset. You can maintain your position, but do it without attacking them or treating them like an enemy.

5. Negative sentiment override

Dysfunctional marriages often devolve when spouses “accentuate the negative, eliminate the positive.” Positive or neutral comments from their partner are wrongly interpreted as negative.

Gottman cites the research of Fritz Heider, who found that unhappy spouses excuse their own bad behavior easily, blaming it on a bad day, being tired, etc. But when their partner behaves badly, their actions are blamed on “lasting, negative personality traits or character flaws” (32).

These negative thought patterns tend to remove the ability to see one’s partner in a positive light. Spouses may think back to the early days of their relationship and remember only the negative memories, forgetting the good times.

According to Gottman, when married couples begin to rewrite the early history of the relationship, there’s little hope that their marriage will last.

6. Maintaining vigilance and physiological arousal

A more common way to describe this mentality is “walking on eggshells.” Whenever an issue or disagreement arises, your first response is “fight or flight.” A lot of this stems from the way issues are brought up. A spouse who yells or screams about every problem will probably provoke their partner to either retreat emotionally or respond in kind. An inability to resolve conflict effectively will destroy a marriage.

A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but the one who is patient calms a quarrel – Proverbs 15:18 NIV

When you perceive that someone is attacking you, remaining calm can seem impossible. But when you refuse to become angry in return, you can de-escalate conflict. Acknowledge their frustration, but say you need to talk about problems calmly.

It’s important to discuss issues, but it has to be done in a healthy way. Being belligerently critical, or taking instant offense at even a hint of disagreement, is not healthy.

7. Chronic diffuse physiological arousal

Constant conflict can manifest itself physically. Heart rate can increase, the nervous system might be affected, and the immune system can be suppressed.

There’s a sense of always anticipating some sort of threat, which leads to “(a) a decrease in one’s ability to take in information (reduced hearing, reduced peripheral vision, problems with shifting attention away from a defensive posture), (b) an increase in defensiveness, (c) a reduction in the ability to be creative in problem-solving, and (d) a reduction in the ability to listen and empathize” (33).

In other words, anticipating conflict leads to chronic stress, which can damage your health and your ability to function in everyday life.

8. The failure of men to accept influence from their wives

Although Christians differ on their interpretation of biblical gender roles, clearly it’s not biblical for one spouse to make unilateral decisions and lord it over the other. This doesn’t just apply to decisions, but to emotional engagement.

Gottman speaks of husbands who resist the influences of their wives and maintain emotional distance from the marriage. If their wives approach them with problems or complaints, these men will react with belligerence, contempt, and defensiveness (34).

Each spouse brings unique talents and perspective to a marriage. The book of Proverbs reminds us of this: “Houses and wealth are inherited from parents, but a prudent wife is from the LORD” (Proverbs 19:14 NIV). (Proverbs was originally intended for a male audience, but it’s safe to extrapolate that “a prudent husband is from the Lord” as well.) Either spouse sacrifices the gift of marriage when they ignore their mate’s unique insight and contributions.

Christian Counseling for Struggling Couples

If these characteristics are hitting close to home in your marriage, consider making an appointment with a professional Christian marriage counselor. Sometimes it can be greatly beneficial to have guidance and a forum for discussion outside your own home. A counselor’s office offers a neutral setting and a skilled moderator to help guide a constructive discussion between you and your spouse.

Using therapeutic techniques and biblical principles, a counselor will help you identify your marriage problems and how to correct them. We know the fruits of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and self-control), and sometimes we need someone to walk alongside us as we cultivate those qualities in our relationships.