Sex in Marriage: 10 Tips for Enjoying Intimacy with Your Spouse

“Okay, here’s a little bedroom tip: Put a bag of popcorn in the microwave beforehand. That way, when you’re done, you have a treat!” – Liz Lemon, 30 Rock

Secular media provides no shortage of material about gratuitous sex. Scan the magazine covers in your local grocery store’s checkout area if you’re doubtful. But for the Christian, sources of biblically-grounded sex tips are sadly few in number and definitely won’t be found in a tabloid!

10 Tips to Increase Your Enjoyment of Sex in Marriage

Dr. Douglas Rosenau, in his book A Celebration of Sex for Newlyweds (2005), provides ten helpful reminders for newly married believers who want to enhance their lovemaking prowess in way that is both honoring and stimulating for their spouse.

1. Remember, Sex is Only a Part of Marriage

Sex in marriage must be seen as only one part of married life – not the purpose of it. The act of lovemaking is a form of intimate communication between a husband and wife; it is the physical manifestation of their emotional connection and volitional commitment.

“Sex should never be just a physical rush,” writes Rosenau, “but a tender, passionate connection. Without the playful, loving companionship, sex becomes another buzz that loses its perspective and has increasingly diminishing returns” (pp. 6-7).

2. Be More Playful

The sacredness of sex in marriage often gives newlyweds the impression that it must be a silent and serious (i.e. lights off, door closed) sort of act. Sex, however, can be loud and silly and not in the bedroom. When the pressure to perform is off and both of you can relax and just have fun, you’re more likely to try new things and enjoy the process of discovery! Rosenau suggests that “you cannot work at creating better lovemaking – you and your mate have to play at it” (p. 2).

3. Discover Your Preferences

A lot of assumptions are made in the bedroom. Instead of just maintaining the status quo in regard to sex, ask your spouse to tell you what she likes or wants you to do. Even during the act, pay attention to your partner’s responsiveness. If you’re unsure about where or how they like to be touched, ask!

At the same time, discover your own preferences and then coach your partner on what lights your fire. Communicating your penchants for certain things during sex can enhance the intimacy you experience, not to mention increase your technical expertise.

“The couple with their act together sexually,” writes Rosenau, “knows how to create ambience and be uninhibitedly sensual and playful. They understand various positions of intercourse, and they have built a comfortable, exciting repertoire of sexual moves” (p. 4).

4. Be Naked and Unashamed

Western culture places an unreasonable emphasis on body image, and social media platforms provide the photo filters to give us the appearance of meeting that impossible standard. In the bedroom, however, there are no filters, and many of us struggle to feel comfortable in our own skin. This insecurity can undermine a couple’s experience of intimacy and inhibit the vulnerability necessary for a vibrant and healthy sex life.

Choosing to accept your imperfect body, not to mention your spouse’s, and cultivating confidence in your sex appeal can be a powerful aphrodisiac! “Unconditional love and acceptance and affirmation,” says Rosenau, “set the temperature for some fantastic sex” (pp. 2-3).

5. Talk, Talk, Talk

Communicating with your partner about sex – your desires, interests, and preferences – may be extremely difficult but also immensely important. Unless your spouse is telepathic, he won’t know what you like or want in bed if you don’t tell him. Is there something you’ve been wanting to try? Is she doing something that really turns you off? Talk to each other about these issues.

6. Spice Things Up

Many couples might erroneously blame a sub-par sex life on the length of time they’ve been married, as if time alone weakens one’s passions. The real culprit for a fizzled out romance is most likely emotional disconnect, but prioritizing your relationship can go a long way in correcting both problems.

As far as the boudoir is concerned, try getting more creative in setting the atmosphere for your partner. Is your wife into Regency fiction? Try sweeping her off her feet with an English accent and a well-tied cravat. Is your husband into sports? Send the kids to a friend’s house on a Sunday afternoon and plan a creative half-time activity, wearing his favorite team’s jersey.

7. Put Sex on Your Schedule

Newly married couples scoff at the idea of having to schedule sex, but like it or not, couples can become so busy that sex is the last thing on their minds. Rosenau does not suggest that sex should become one more box to check on the week’s agenda or that a rigid schedule is needed to measure success in this area.

What he does suggest, however, is planning ahead for a time for connection – both emotional and physical – so that you can make sure to have some reserve in your tank for your spouse.

Giving forethought to sex can prove especially beneficial for women who need a little extra time to “warm up”. If your wife knows ahead of time that the evening calls for some romance, she is more likely to be thinking about you throughout the day and will be more ready come time to connect.

8. Rekindle the Romance

Think of romance as the music that makes you want to dance. Knowing your spouse’s favorite genre enables you to play the right tune. What communicates love to your husband? Is it asking about his work, praising his accomplishments, or acknowledging his expertise in a particular area? What makes your wife feel loved and appreciated?

Is she wooed by verbal affirmation for all she does for the family or by receiving flowers for no particular reason? Look for opportunities to romance your spouse using the specific language that speaks love most clearly to them. And a word of warning: it likely isn’t the same language that communicates love to you!

9. Embrace Sex as a Gift from God

The world has tainted what is meant to be a glorious gift from God. Not only did God create sex for procreation and enjoyment (i.e., if it wasn’t meant to be enjoyed, why would He have created our bodies to experience orgasm?), but He also inspired an entire book to be written about it.

Song of Solomon, the Old Testament book penned by King Solomon, celebrates the union of two newlyweds as they relish in each other “until the day breaks and the shadows flee” (Song of Solomon 2:16-17, NIV). Sex is intended to be celebrated and enjoyed within the context of a covenant relationship between a man and his wife.

10. Make Sex about Connection

Rosenau reminds his readers that “[t]here is no replacement for what God intended sex to do for intimate marriages. It is the framework for expressing many powerful and exciting emotions such as joy, love, trust, and playfulness” (pp. 7-8).

Sex can be both playful and powerful; it can be erotic and emotional in equal measure. Make your sex life about connecting deeply and intimately with your spouse, and relish in the wonder of knowing and being fully known by your beloved.

Christian Counseling for Sex and Intimacy Issues

Whether you and your spouse are experiencing sexual dysfunction or you merely want to learn ways to enhance this area of your marriage, consider talking with a professional who can address these intimate issues from a biblical perspective.

Engaged couples can also see a Christian counselor for pre-marital concerns and to discuss expectations and tips for switching gears from abstinence to indulgence! We’re here to help facilitate any of those discussions and to equip you to experience greater intimacy and freedom in the bedroom.