Three Couples Counseling Techniques to Try at Home

The beauty of counseling is that often the topics and exercises discussed extend beyond the walls of the counselor’s office. Just like any other activity in life, you only get out what you put in. Counseling helps couples understand each other’s differences, receive revelation and find healing. But as productive as counseling may be, it still isn’t enough to sustain long-lasting change on its own.

New habits can be discussed during counseling, but they have to be put into practice outside those hours. Often a counselor will assign homework to help reinforce the discussion and build new habits. The following are three things you can do in between counseling sessions to connect with your spouse and work toward creating a stronger relationship.

1. The Check-In

Attention. It’s a basic human need to desire to be seen, heard and fully known. If you and your spouse have slowly drifted over time, one reason could be the lack of focused attention. It sounds bizarre for the first tip to be to “check-in” with your spouse, but work, children and other obstacles in life could be vying for your time and preventing you from having intentional time with your spouse. Like a flower that’s not watered, the marriage can begin to wither.

The practice of setting aside time to consistently focus on one’s spouse’s feelings, thoughts and world are critical to nurturing emotional closeness. You can’t be intimately close to someone you only say “good morning” and “goodnight” to.

If having these conversations are foreign to you, it’s a best practice to designate a day, time and place to begin these check-ins. Some couples prefer the living room couch, others like to take a stroll to a nearby park for some fresh air. Guard this time fiercely, like your marriage depends on it!

Set a time for 20 minutes and take turns talking about feelings and alert your spouse to any need you have. Listening is critical here. When the first person is finished, the spouse who was listening can assess the conversation and ask, “Is there anything you need from me regarding those feelings?” Another great question is, “How have I made you feel loved this week?”

When the first person feels heard and understood, they can swap roles and become the listener.

This exercise unlocks emotional needs that may have been repressed and offers the opportunity to empathize with one’s spouse. Intentional sharing of the heart will bring you both back together again.

2. Take a Time Out Timeouts aren’t just for little kids anymore. As humans, we possess a wide spectrum of emotions. In counseling, all these emotions eventually are on display. During a check-in session, words are exchanged that can trigger an emotional response. Anger is a natural response but needs to be de-escalated to decrease the chances of damaging the other person.

Stepping away from the situation that’s causing the anger allows you to cool down, regain clarity and think before speaking. The implementation of timeouts can be a powerful tool that benefits both spouses.

Practicing time-outs is one way to de-escalate and to acquire clarity in the course of conversations with one’s spouse (or with anyone else). Physical distance is sought and granted to cool down and get clear with the reassurance that one’s spouse and the conversation is still important. This reassurance is spoken by a promise to physically return and re-engage the conversation at a certain time is given. The proper use of timeouts can be a powerful tool to benefit both spouses.

It’s easy to give anger the permission to explode, but it can have devastating effects. Instead, being proactive, alerting your spouse to your need to walk away, and reassuring your spouse you will come back to engage in the discussion again is a healthy road to take. The more it is practice, the more progress you will see.

3. Praying Together

Never underestimate the power of prayer. Saying a heartfelt prayer in the presence of one’s spouse can have a profound impact on the marriage. For those couples who want to focus on their spiritual connection, praying together is a good place to start. It’s an act of humility to grab each other’s hands, bow your heads and seek God’s help in the marriage.

Praying for one’s spouse and marriage in the presence of one’s spouse can be a powerful bonding practice and it is assigned as homework for those couples who want to deepen a shared spiritual connection. Your husband or wife will feel infinitely more loved when they know you are praying for them throughout the week.

These are only a few, simple practices to put into place in your marriage. If you continue to persevere, over time, the results will be evident. If you and your spouse believe talking to a Christian counselor is the best next step in the marriage, please contact us today.