What Do Codependent Relationships Look Like in a Church Setting?

“Codependency” is the adjustment made by a family member to deal with a loved one’s addiction. In the past, the term was generally used in connection to drug or alcohol addiction, but now it may even include gambling, sex, or any other habit that greatly interferes with a loved one’s life.

As the addict’s life worsens, that family member ( the codependent) finds ways to compensate. This could be in the form of working harder to make ends meet, intervening in troubling circumstances (e.g. stepping in to prevent conflict with others)or trying to sugarcoat the situation so that others may understand (e.g. explaining away the bad behavior to the kids).

Because of this, in others’ eyes, the codependent often seems to be very selfless and noble as he or she tries to help the addicted loved one. But while seemingly heroic, codependency hurts more than it helps. It prevents the addicted person from truly overcoming this terrible situation and it blinds the codependent.

At the root, the codependent is actually addicted to control as much as the troubled loved one is addicted to that vice that is ruining their life.

Codependent Relationships in the Church

Codependency is quite clear in the extreme situations of addiction. But believe it or not, such also exists in the church in ways that might not be so crystal clear.

What is supposed to happen at church

The Bible teaches that we are all addicts to sin. But with Christ’s help, this may be overcome. In Romans 6:17, Paul says, “Though you used to be slaves to sin, you have come to obey from your heart the pattern of teaching that has now claimed your allegiance.” Rather than being slaves to sin, as Christians, we are to become slaves to the Holy Spirit instead.

In the church relationship, believers are meant to meet and strengthen one another, growing and maturing in faith. At church, members may encourage, restore, teach, rebuke and remind both new and the mature believers. Such interaction is truly wonderful if it results in a believer becoming more reliant on God.

What should not happen

Unfortunately, codependent relationships in the church do exist and it is something that may not be so obvious. At the surface, these codependents have many socially appealing traits which all God-fearing members should strive for. They may be dependable, caring, responsible, hardworking, and very concerned about their fellow members.

But as Jesus taught, a tree is known by its fruit. (Luke 6:43-45) In churches around the world, there are lay leaders and ministry staff who become overworked and incur stress-related illnesses as they try to “demonstrate” to others their level of care.

Codependents in the church are not satisfied to just point others towards God or point others to those who can help them within the church. They often decide to go beyond that. They themselves set aside extra time to be there for the “needy” member, sacrificing personal and even family time to do so.

The codependent may even go to the extent of offering too much of their resources to help church members in need. At times, a codependent at church may become quite controlling, always insisting that things are done their way and possibly becoming offended when their suggestions are rejected or their actions are not recognized by others.

So instead of showing their co-church members the way to greater faith and dependency on God, these codependents become the crutch that their co-believers rely upon to achieve such goals. It is something unhealthy indeed for all parties involved.

Jesus tackles this matter in Matthew 25:9 in the Parable of the Ten Virgins. When the foolish virgins ran out of oil and tried to get some from the others, the wise ones replied, “No, there may not be enough for both of us and you. Instead, go to those who sell oil and buy some for yourselves.”

The parable points out that Christians are to prepare themselves. They should not be reliant on another person for their faith, but on God alone. Hence, God may say that the codependent is a fool to give his oil away to someone who is not properly investing in their own life.

Depending on the Holy Spirit rather than on flesh

In James 1:2-3, James says, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.” Furthermore, in James 1:5, he states, “If any of you lacks wisdom (related to the trial), you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault.”

Jeremiah 17:5 states, “This is what the Lord says: ‘Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who draws strength from mere flesh and whose heart turns away from the Lord’.”

It is very clear that God is to be the church’s source of strength and not a person. As a believer undergoes trials, he is to face it knowing that the God of the universe is there to lift him or her up. It may be difficult at times but God is watching, waiting and teaching.

As brothers and sisters in Christ, we may assist one another but we are not to be the absolute answer for those undergoing trials. If a person becomes the source of their answers or the source of their strength, then those undergoing trial will learn to trust people and not God.

An old saying about Christian life illustrates this well: “The Christian life is just one beggar showing another beggar where to get some bread.”

When we help someone, we should check our motives. A good question to ask ourselves is, “Am I showing this person where to get bread or am I trying to be the source of it?”

A good follow up is, “Now that I have shown them the source, are they feeding themselves or do they still depend on me?” And for those brave enough to ask, “Will I be happy if they can fend for themselves with God’s help or will I be happier if they still need my assistance in the future?”

As we counsel, we should also check our methods. Rather than giving direct answers all the time, we should instead point them to Scripture and prayer first. Questions like “Have you prayed about this already?” or “Would you like us to pray about this?” can help direct them first towards God’s help than ours.

Once pointed to pertinent Scripture verses, additional queries like “How has God communicated to you through these verses?” or “What insights have the Scriptures given to you?” will help build up their faith.

A healthy spiritual relationship in the church is characterized by believers encouraging and inspiring one another to grow in Christ. Believers are not to be taken care of by their church babysitter. Codependency deprives them of the experiences needed to mature spiritually and learn to depend on God.

Reasons behind codependency

What a person desires is unfailing love; better to be poor than a liar. – Proverbs 19:22

One who is full loathes honey from the comb, but to the hungry even what is bitter tastes sweet. – Proverbs 27:7

Both of these Proverbs fit the motives behind codependency. While we all search for that complete love, it is the codependent who wishes to fill the hunger for love with something or someone else other than God.

We live in a fallen world and no material thing or fleshly creature is ever perfect, not even those that claim they love us. So we are all hurt somehow as the love that we need is never fully met (unless we seek it from God!).

But people more prone to codependency seemingly crave this love more than others. So they search for a way to be of value to someone else which is why they are easily drawn to those in need (e.g. emotionally, spiritually or even financially).

Hence, the church is the ideal environment for them. Here, there is much to do yet not enough workers, allowing the codependent to shine. Since what he or she does is oftentimes praised by others, the more the codependent is spurred on to work tirelessly.

But while it is good to recognize hard work and great achievements, a fact to which many parents and CEO’s may attest, a secure and spiritually mature adult knows that love is not always dependent on performance.

We should do things out of love and not because we want to be recognized and loved. In fact, the Bible says that our Father sees the good things we do in secret and rewards us for that but dislikes it when we intentionally try to shine before others. (Matt 6:1-4)

Codependency goes against living in the light of God’s unconditional love. Instead of steering people to God, codependents end up steering others towards themselves (or at least that is what codependents wish!). Therefore, we should always question our underlying reasons for service in the church. It should be for gratitude towards God and not to make ourselves feel needed and important.

Interdependency vs. dependency in the church

The goal of the church should be interdependency, where members learn to assist one another in a spiritually healthy way. This is guaranteed by always fixing our eyes on Jesus and the way He led his disciples, which did NOT foster codependency. Throughout the Gospels, Jesus would ask many questions such as:

• Why are you so afraid? (Matthew 8:26)
• Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? (Matthew 7:3)
• Who do you say I am? (Matthew 6:15)
• Why then is it written that the Son of man must suffer much and be rejected? (Mark 9:12)
• Do you want to get well? (John 5:6)

Though He knew all the answers, He asked His followers and listeners questions to get them to search their thoughts and hearts in order to know where they stood internally. Jesus wanted the people to think first; He did not want to do all the thinking for them.

As helpful members of a church, we must encourage resourcefulness and not become other people’s resource. The only dependent relationship in the church should be our vertical one with God. All horizontal relationships should be interdependent.

In recovery circles, for example, the goal is for members to share their unique personal testimonies of what is working for them and not to give others the right “fix” for their issues. As Christians, the same must apply.

We just share our own spiritual journey to others while pointing them always to God through Scripture so that He may touch them in His own way. We want people to trust in God’s providence and not on what we can give to one another.

In summary, while it is a goal for Christians to be concerned for one another and to help each other, it is important that God receives the glory and not us. Though it may seem easier and faster to give others the “solutions” or to be the one fixing problems for them, these ultimately lead people away from God.

Interdependency in the church means supporting, encouraging, and training one another to depend on God. Healthy help leads people to their Creator God, not a created man.