The Role of Discernment Counseling In Divorce

The Role of Discernment Counseling In Divorce

There may come a point in a marriage when a couple must decide on the next right thing for their marriage. One of the most important decisions about a marriage is when it comes to divorce. For those couples who are at the crossroads of deciding if divorce is an option, discernment counseling is something they should consider.

Traditional marriage counseling focuses on trying to solve the marriage issues to heal the relationship. Discernment counseling focuses on helping each person recognize where they stand in the marriage and what can or cannot be changed. Discernment counseling is an effective tool that can reduce conflict as they navigate this season in their marriage. Discernment counseling is conducted as a couple and individually at the same time.

It is wise for a couple to take time to discern the truth about their marriage before rushing into divorce. Understanding why they may be on the brink of divorce can lead them to continue to resolve the issues and restore the marriage.

And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ – Philippians 1:9-10, EVS

What are the procedures for discernment counseling?

Even though discernment counseling is conducted with a counselor, it is not considered treatment. It is a tool that helps a couple assess the marriage and the next step in the future of that marriage.

There are typically three possible options for couples who are engaging in discernment counseling. Ending the marriage, postponing a decision about the marriage, and a commitment period as an effort to restore the marriage. The commitment period is typically six months, but the couple can choose a time frame that works for them.

The first option presented to the couple focuses on maintaining the relationship. This is sometimes referred to as the “status quo” option. Most of the time couples are already past the point of wanting to keep the relationship the way it is. There are times when this can be an option when the couple wants to take a break because of a lack of clarity.

Option two involves the choice of separation or divorce. There are times when this decision is one-sided. The goal of discernment counseling is to make a mutual decision about ending the marriage.

The final option is couples therapy. This option is for those couples who have decided that they wish to pursue healing and restoration in their marriage. Couples who choose this option are encouraged to commit to marriage counseling for at least six months. Once the couple has engaged in marriage counseling, they can decide to stay in or leave the marriage.

The initial session begins with a series of questions that can help the counselor understand where each person sees themselves in the marriage.

• What has caused the couple to consider ending the marriage?
• Has there been anything done to try to restore or repair the marriage?
• Are there children that will factor into the decision?
• What were the greatest times for each person in the marriage?

The counselor will meet with each person to discuss these questions and what they may see as their goal for the marriage. One spouse may want to “lean in” to the marriage and make it work while the other may find themselves deciding to “lean out” of the marriage.

What are the benefits of discernment counseling?

The benefits of discernment counseling are much the same as those found with traditional marriage counseling. The development of skills that will help with communication, compassion, and forgiveness is a major benefit of traditional marriage counseling. This same skill set can be strengthened through discernment counseling.

A major difference between the two types of counseling is that discernment counseling factors in how each person perceives the condition of the marriage. This can reduce the overwhelming feeling of not knowing what to do next. It can remove the ambivalent feeling of whether the marriage is worth the work.

When there is clarity about the marriage and where each person leans, then there is an ability to create a plan to restore or dissolve the marriage. This clarity can contribute to the ability to co-parent in the case of divorce or improve communication skills if they choose to work toward healing and restoration.

Conclusion

Marriage is full of challenges. Sometimes these challenges present situations that can cause couples to become unsure of where the marriage stands. A Christian counselor can help a couple determine if discernment counseling will help them gain clarity about the future of their marriage. To find out if this counseling will help you and your spouse, contact our office today.