4 Attachment Styles and Emotional Dysregulation

Everyone has ways of navigating intimacy and relationships, called our attachment style. Factors like how caring or distant a parent was and how safe we felt as a child in our family influence our adult relationships. Similarly, many people have a threshold for how much they can handle emotionally. When everything is balanced and calm, we are emotionally regulated. Every so often, though, we experience periods of emotional turmoil known as emotional dysregulation.

Attachment Styles

There is a connection between our attachment style and how we experience emotional dysregulation. We might struggle in our relationships simply because we don’t understand how our childhood experiences still affect us. Let’s consider the four attachment styles and how each type experiences emotional dysregulation.

1. Avoidant Attachment

People with an avoidant attachment style are fiercely independent and often struggle to be vulnerable with their partners. They genuinely crave intimacy but become uncomfortable when they get it. For them, the benefits of being solo and single often outweigh what they view as the burden of relationships.

The person with avoidant attachment withdraws when they are emotionally dysregulated. They tend to ignore, suppress, and numb themselves to the emotions of those closest to them when they are emotionally exhausted. Their inner thoughts sound like, “There’s no problem if I can’t see it,” or, “You can’t reject me if I reject you first.”

2. Anxious Attachment Style

An anxious attachment style is clingy, fearful of abandonment, and hesitant to trust. These people need regular assurance, can be highly emotional, and struggle to communicate their needs.

For them, emotional dysregulation looks like overthinking and hypervigilance in the form of noticing and reacting to subtle changes and perceived rejection from their partner. They might become clingy and overbearing as they seek a deeper intimacy, believing that to be the thing that will regulate their emotions. Their emotional regulation is often affected by other people’s emotions, particularly those closest to them.

3. Disorganized (Ambivalent) Style

Of all the insecure attachment styles, the disorganized style is most inconsistent in their emotional regulation. They tend to see-saw with emotional highs and lows and go from trusting and being dedicated to their partners, to distancing themselves out of fear of rejection.

The disorganized style often turns to unhealthy coping mechanisms to regulate their emotions. This could look like substance addictions, risky sexual behavior, or binging and purging behavior. The erratic nature of the person with a disorganized attachment style could mean that they withdraw completely to find balance, or they might lean too far into the connection, disrespecting boundaries and being emotionally raw.

4. Secure Style

The goal of anyone in a close relationship should be to become secure in the connection. This means they connect easily, express their needs and emotions without fear of consequence, and maintain healthy boundaries even in relationships as close as marriage.

Securely attached people still do experience emotional dysregulation, like problem-solving behavior and irritability. A person in a secure relationship will recognize when things are going wrong and openly communicate to find a mutual solution.

Getting Support for Emotional Dysregulation

It is possible to heal and grow in your relationships, regardless of your age or background. Sometimes you need some help, though, and that is where a counselor can be an asset. Reach out to our offices today if you would like to meet with a counselor and begin the process toward healthier connections.