7 Things to Discuss in Premarital Counseling

Something that many people look forward to is the day that they get married. For many, this is their next stage in their journey in life. For others, it is the chance to change their fortunes as they will now have a partner to assist them in the challenges of life. But though marriage is a true gift indeed from God, sadly, many who have gotten married rue the day they ever walked down the aisle.

Although much knowledge is available in books, online, or from the couple’s parents and friends, almost all married couples will agree that marriage is tough! Even though you may have known your partner for years prior to tying the knot, actually living together is very different! And this is made doubly challenging when the children arrive.

This is why it makes sense for engaged couples to seek premarital counseling prior to saying, “I do.”

The Importance of Premarital Counseling

Despite the abundance of material about marriage, for most people, their idea of marriage comes from their experience and observation of their parents and other older couples that they know. They then either choose to copy the parenting style they grew up with, or they drastically try to change it if they did not like what they experienced.

Unfortunately, experience and observation can only go so far. Though they may have a general idea of what they would like to happen, the question now is: What does my spouse want? Two different people with differing opinions means that conflict is bound to occur, especially on the major issues of married life, which is why it is important to thresh these differences out and come to an agreement on the big topics so that life together will be much smoother.

This is where premarital counseling comes in. While the couple can always open up to their respective parents about their plans, sometimes loved ones forcefully insert their own view of what they prefer, affecting the new family-to-be. But when an impartial, experienced counselor is involved, the partners will be able to reveal their true thoughts on married life.

The counselor will also serve as a referee to ensure that no one dominates the conversation. Moreover, the counselor will share life stories and insights from those who were counselled before. These are invaluable nuggets of wisdom to help the couple shape their plan about what they want for their family.

Topics Often Discussed in Counseling

While there are many possible topics to bring up in premarital counseling, the following are some of the more important ones to discuss.

1. Career and Life Goals

When people date, sometimes the only things they discuss are the “fun stuff.” The crucial things like career and other life goals are just saved for when things become “serious.” It is necessary, however, for the engaged couple to know what career plans and life goals they have individually, and as a couple, because many times these plans may actually clash.

Do both spouses want to stay in the current city or country? Or does someone desire to eventually live elsewhere? How long with both spouses work? Will this be full-time or part-time work? Does anyone prefer the graveyard shift?

Are there any plans for a business? What kind will it be and where will the funding come from? Is one spouse thinking of early retirement to travel the world? Does anyone plan on doing missionary work or other charity-related activities in the future?

While it is good to have personal dreams, as a couple, such goals need to be discussed beforehand to prevent future family problems.

2. Finances

Related to career plans, but in a category all to itself, is the issue of finances. Many married couples end up separating just because of money, which is why it is imperative that this is discussed.

Who will primarily pay the bills? Must each spouse disclose their individual earnings? Who will manage the family finances? What are the family’s financial goals? Do both partners have the same idea about investment and savings? Are there differing views on expenditure for family leisure, education, major appliances, the car, the house?

How much is each spouse able to use for individual leisure or personal necessities? Is gambling okay? What are the spouses’ views on debt (e.g. credit cards, bank loans, borrowing from friends)? Is it okay to lend money to family or friends? Is it okay to financially support another family member (e.g. parents, siblings, grandparents)? Are there differing views on tithing and support for the church?

Even amongst close family and friends, money can really be a major concern. It is best to clear this up before the couple is finally living together.

3. Children

Perhaps in the past, the idea of having children was already a foregone conclusion. Nowadays, however, people have differing views on having kids.

Do both spouses want to have children? How many? When? If it is not physically possible, does the couple wish to adopt? Who will take care of the children – the wife, husband, grandparents? What school will they attend?

What kind of environment should they grow up in? What is the couple’s view on discipline? What is their view on their kids dating in the future? When should the children leave the home? What preparations should be done to ensure they are ready for independence?

The addition of children dramatically changes the family dynamics. This is why it is necessary to have an initial plan before they actually come.

4. Intimacy

An uncomfortable topic to bring up, which is why an impartial referee is very helpful, is the issue of intimacy. Many couples incorrectly assume that romance and sexual pleasure will naturally sort itself out once they share the same bedroom. But such thoughts are not always true. Intimacy needs to be discussed, and even planned (!), so that partners are satisfied and personal boundaries are respected.

How often does each partner expect to be intimate? Will contraception be used? Are there any particular preferences – bedroom only, any part of the house? Are there differing views about sexual positions?

Are there times when intimacy is NOT okay (e.g. during the woman’s period, when a partner is tired from work, when someone is angry)? Will the couple be affectionate in front of others? How often will the couple go out on romantic dates without the kids? And does each partner know one another’s love language?

In addition, another concern that ought to be discussed is one’s romantic past. Though many believe the “past is past,” former flames can become an obstacle to intimacy as there may be worries about comparison and temptation. But if the story has been revealed in counseling and the love for one another has been reaffirmed, it may become easier to deal with such jealousy.

5. Commitment and Temptation

Though commitment and temptation should be very straightforward ideas, in today’s world, some people have differing views about what commitment and temptation mean. For example, some wrongly believe that it is harmless to flirt, believing that they are just appreciating others. Some even think that a one night stand is okay as long as the person does not fall in love.

What is each partner’s idea about commitment? What is their idea about commitment to God in marriage? What is their idea of temptation? What are their personal experiences about temptation and how they dealt with it?

Where do they fear temptation may occur? Who might they be afraid of for their partner or for themselves (e.g. exes, current crushes)? What are the dos and don’ts if the temptation is present? What is each partner’s definition of flirting?

It is important that the partners share their thoughts on commitment and temptation so that there is no confusion once they are married. It is also important to know that they are making a commitment, first and foremost, to God so that they know who it is they are truly accountable to.

6. Conflict

Conflict in married life is inevitable, which is why the couple needs to know how they will deal with it. If not, their differing experiences with conflict might strain the relationship.

What was each partner’s experience with marital conflict as seen from their parents? How did such conflict affect their parents’ relationship? How were the partners affected by their parents’ conflict style as they grew up?

What are their personal insights about marital conflict and how it should be handled? Is it okay to seek alone time elsewhere (e.g. at their parents’ or siblings’ place) if the conflict is too much to handle?

After the engaged partners share their stories and understanding, they will then be taught key ideas about the damage such marital conflict can bring and how they should go about it. It is important that both parties are aware that conflict can be handled in a way that builds up intimacy, rather than drive them apart.

7. Spirituality

A critical issue that is often ignored is that of spirituality. Many assume that simply going to church every Sunday is already enough for their family’s spiritual life to grow. Others may even believe that a mixture of different beliefs can still work out provided each partner respects the other’s faith. Such thoughts, however, are incorrect as the family’s spiritual growth requires a conscious effort from both partners to seek God daily; and it necessitates that they have similar views lest they head in opposing directions.

How does each partner view spirituality? What is each partner’s view on spiritual growth and how it should occur? Are there any opposing ideas about key issues of their faith? Who do they believe should be the spiritual leader of the household?

What does this entail? Which church will they be attending? Are there plans to pray together as a couple and as a family? Will each spouse be joining a small church group to better grow in their faith? How does God’s Kingdom fit in their idea of family goals?

As the author of marriage, it is vital that God is at the center of their marriage for it to succeed. Hence, the couple needs to be on the same page with regards to their family’s spiritual life and direction.

Christian Premarital Counseling

Though married life is a blessing indeed from our Creator, it is a challenging journey meant for a lifetime of togetherness. This is why premarital counseling is essential in ensuring the couple begins in the right way, with a plan for each of the expected obstacles. And this is best done with the help of a professional Christian counselor.

In Christian premarital counseling, the latest counseling techniques will be used to help each partner open up about their individual concerns about marriage. This is important as every person is different, with some wishing to keep quiet about their private thoughts.

If the couple is not able to share their true views, it will be difficult to construct workable plans for their journey together. The involvement of a professional counselor is also important in case there are issues (e.g. addiction, anxiety, depression, or trauma) that a partner may be facing.

But most importantly, the faith-based counselor will emphasize the importance of strengthening their commitment to God through a strong relationship with our Savior, Jesus Christ. Through prayer, meditation on Scripture, and the discussion of Biblical marriage principles, the couple will have a better understanding of what marriage and parenting should be like.

This is particularly important if the couple has opposing views on key issues about their faith or if they are bothered about their personal beliefs. Moreover, the couple will be reminded about how the Holy Spirit is there every day to strengthen them and give hope in times of trouble. With this, a blessed and beautiful marriage is possible!

If you or a friend is about to get married, seek Christian premarital counseling soon. Every marriage is meant to glorify God, so it is important that your new journey always includes Him.