Angry? Get the Anger Management Help You Need

Do you ever catch yourself exploding in anger at someone and wonder “where did that come from?” Is anger causing issues with your job, your marriage or your children? Do you desire to bring your anger under control, and have it stop ruining your life, but aren’t sure how to take the first step?

Anger can be like a pressure cooker, building up steam, as annoying circumstances and hurtful words and actions impact us. Often we feel like we have everything under control by suppressing or ignoring our feelings, when all of a sudden, we just erupt. We may be caught off guard by the intensity of our rage, embarrassed by our words and actions, and distressed by how anger hurts our relationships.

In this article, we will explore the core causes of anger, how it develops, how it affects us, and how we can get the anger management help we need.

What is anger and what is its root?

Anger is defined in the Merriam Webster Dictionary as “a strong feeling of displeasure and usually of opposition toward someone or something.” Anger is sometimes known as the “second emotion” because it isn’t usually our first reaction when something adverse happens. Our initial emotions from a difficult situation are usually hurt, sadness, embarrassment, confusion, and fear. These emotions can then evolve into anger.

Anger is born from pride, an accumulation of unhappiness, unfulfilled expectations, sorrow, emotional injury, small but repetitive irritations, discomfort, and shame. It can literally feel heavy and affects our thought processes and behaviors. When we allow anger to control us, rather than controlling anger, it becomes increasingly difficult to think in a rational manner, and it can cause us to engage in shameful behaviors.

How does anger develop?

When we have a problem with anger, it’s essential to examine what specific irritants trigger anger in us, and also understand the root cause, which may not be especially related to the trigger. Some examples of triggers might be someone disagreeing with our opinion, impatience when having to wait a long time for something, or being easily offended by another person’s words or actions.

Most of us don’t suddenly wake up angry. Anger is like an ugly weed that started with a seed that germinated and took root and then began to grow and eventually take over the garden of our life. The seed can be a hurtful or embarrassing or frightening event, but we nurture the growth through pride, lack of forgiveness, growing bitterness, fretfulness, and selfishness.

How does anger affect us?

James 1:20 says, “Human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.” Anger first affects us spiritually. It is counterproductive to the spiritual virtues of love, joy, peace and long-suffering we should be cultivating. 1 Timothy 2:8 says that “all people everywhere should pray, lifting up holy hands without anger or disputing.” The implication is that anger can interfere with our prayers, affecting our relationship with God.

Anger also destroys our souls if we allow it to continue unabated. We become resentful and aggrieved, we say and do things that we later regret and we no longer enjoy the things that once gave us pleasure.

Anger is a destroyer of relationships. When we lash out in anger, we hurt the ones we love the most. Often the target of a fit of anger isn’t even the person that made us angry in the first place. We may be frustrated by a situation at work, and then take it out at home, where we vent at the family, leaving them fearful and confused and wondering what they did to deserve it.

In due course, if left to fester and grow, anger takes over our lives, and we say and do things that we never thought possible. Anger may have first affected our relationships with immediate family, but it begins to spread and contaminate friendships and work relationships. It can cost us our marriage, our children, our jobs, our ministries, and our happiness. It can overwhelm us to the point that we may think it’s hopeless to go on.

Please be encouraged that there is hope. You can overcome anger, and take control of your emotions and live life in all its abundance.

Anger Management Help

We are told in Ephesians 4:3, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger and harsh words.” The first step toward conquering anger is to have a desire to change. You need to want to get rid of this ugly, festering, malignant emotion.

When we desire to heal and renew joy in our lives, then we can forgive and let go of the heavy weight of anger we have been carrying around. We have to choose to forgive, and we have to choose to release bitterness and hurt. This is the starting point for changing our thought life, our behaviors, and rooting out the negative ways we may have been dealing with anger and its causes.

Look back on your life and remember the time when you weren’t carrying the weight of anger. Try to identify the point in your life when anger began to change you. If you can identify this pivotal point in your life, it can help you to analyze what happened and why it happened, and how you can let it go to begin a new life with healthy emotions and joy.

A powerful tool for anger management is to cultivate a thankful heart and focus on the positives rather than the negatives. We can allow ungratefulness and pessimism to govern our lives, or we can choose to be appreciative and have a positive attitude.

Let’s say you wake up in the morning and it’s raining outside. You could grumble about not being able to do the outside activities you’d been planning to do, or you could declare, “Thank you, God, for sending rain today. It smells so fresh, and now I don’t have to go out and water my garden!” It’s impossible to be angry and thankful at the same time.

One way that anger begins to control us is when we allow negative thoughts to fester. Rather than quickly forgiving and forgetting, we allow ourselves to be easily offended, and then we refuse to release that feeling, playing over and over in our minds the careless word or action that the other person did. We fuel the fire of anger.

Ephesians 4:26 instructs us, “In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” Don’t let your offended feelings continue into the next day. If possible, approach the person who hurt you, and calmly and graciously communicate how badly their words or actions made you feel. Most likely that person never intentionally meant to offend you, and they will probably be eager to make things right.

There may be situations where it’s not possible or appropriate to confront the person who hurt you. There may also be times when you do go to someone, and they just brush you off. Some people are unwilling to admit their mistakes and try to change. In that case, you just have to let it go. You have to be intentional about extending forgiveness, whether or not they seek it. Otherwise, bitterness will fester in your heart.

When confronted with frustrating circumstances over which we have no control, remember the serenity prayer, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” Understanding what we can control (our thoughts, our words, our behaviors) and focusing on that will empower us to serenely face that over which we have no power.

We also have to remember not to be so easily offended. We read in James 1:19-20, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry.” Sometimes anger can build from a misunderstanding. We might jump to conclusions, without really listening to what the person is saying, or their explanation of something. Take time to listen to others and understand their viewpoint before getting angry and lashing out.

Anger will not be conquered in one day. You have probably spent months, even years allowing it to control you. Stripping this negative and damaging emotion from your life will be an hour by hour, day by day exercise. It takes a positive attitude, forgiveness, communication, serenity, and understanding. You may also need professional counseling to reach victory. If so, we are here to help!

The counselors at Orange County Christian Counseling can walk you through understanding the root of your anger and how it has developed and affected your life. You can learn effective methods to erase anger from your life and replace it with peace, serenity, love, and joy. You don’t have to try to do this on your own. Call us for an appointment. It’s time for a new beginning!