Dealing with the Fear of Rejection and the Fear of Commitment

The fear of commitment derives from the fear of rejection. How many times have you been hurt throughout your life? How often have you taken a risk, a chance, and faced rejection? Rejection evokes strong emotions; once felt, you may do anything to keep from feeling that way again. You will keep people at a distance, even the ones you love, to avoid pain, humiliation, and embarrassment.

You might struggle with self-worth and acceptance. Perhaps you were neglected, abused, or abandoned. Whatever the cause for your fear, know that you can overcome the fear of commitment and rejection.

Is the fear of commitment real?

The fear of commitment is a real phobia known as gamophobia. It goes beyond simply not wanting to commit to a partner. A person with gamophobia may experience heart palpitations, rapid breathing, sweating, chills, dizziness, nausea, or trembling. These symptoms can bleed into all areas of your life, including your career.

There are several causes for fear of commitment. The person may have grown up in a home with many arguments and fights between parents. Or they might have had their heart broken in the past.

They may worry that if they settle down with one person, someone better may come along, and they missed their chance (also referred to as the fear of missing out or FOMO). As a result, they self-sabotage their relationships or date people who are inappropriate for marriage, such as dating someone who is already married.

How to overcome the fears of commitment and rejection

A mental health care professional may treat gamophobia in various ways depending on the root cause of your fear of commitment and rejection. A counselor will assess your symptoms and help you identify the trigger. Often, we have no idea why we struggle with commitment. Having a professional by your side provides a safe space to share and receive support.

In the meantime, practice a few of the suggestions below.

Identify the negative thoughts

Are you aware of your thoughts throughout the day? Studies have shown that people think thousands of thoughts per day. How many of those are negative thoughts? Can you slow them down and question those beliefs?

For example, if your boyfriend asks you about attending a concert next month, what thoughts bombard your mind before you answer? Maybe the answer is that you feel suffocated when asked to make concrete plans. Now ask yourself why. Are you afraid he will stand you up? Are you worried the relationship is moving too fast or becoming too serious? Keep asking yourself why and recording the answers. Eventually, you will get to a real (and raw) answer.

Learn how to turn negative thoughts into positive ones

If you have never turned a negative thought into a positive one, know it takes practice. Mastering this skill will benefit your emotional resiliency, which can get you through some of the most challenging times. It is a skill that will serve you for the rest of your life.

The negative thoughts we tell ourselves feed our false beliefs. For example, you might believe it is better to walk away than marry if you tell yourself that you cannot get too close to your boyfriend because he will eventually see through you and leave. Where does this belief come from? Did someone leave you? Did one of your parents leave the family? Dig deep to find the event or series of circumstances that have you believing this lie.

Next, flip the perspective on that thought. Maybe you tell yourself, “I recognize that I am scared of committing to this relationship, and now I know why. However, I am worth loving and being in a covenant of marriage. I am my true, authentic self, and my boyfriend loves me.”

Step outside your comfort zone

Sometimes it is best to face our fears. Counselors use various techniques to help clients with the fear of commitment, depending on the severity of the phobia. Some use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Exposure Therapy.

CBT teaches you to identify triggers and negative thoughts and turn them into helpful, positive thoughts and emotions. In turn, you can change your behaviors.

Exposure Therapy can be a step-by-step treatment in a safe and controlled environment. A person with gamophobia may take small steps by committing to one date night a week or scheduling a counseling session with their partner. To overcome any challenge, you must step outside your comfort zone.

Next steps

Do you struggle with the fear of commitment? Do you self-sabotage your relationships to avoid rejection? Reach out to our office today to schedule an appointment with a Christian counselor specializing in relationship issues and fears. We would love to help you so that you can fully immerse yourself in a new relationship.