Navigating the Various Grief Stages after a Loss

The ways that people deal with a loss are as varied as the people experiencing it. Although researchers and psychologists have worked to identify certain stages of the grieving process, these are merely standardized descriptions of a process that ultimately cannot be defined or limited.

Wisdom from of Old

People who have experienced a loss can benefit from research done on grief stages in the past, but this doesn’t mean a particular individual’s grief will proceed in a linear sequence. If the individual feels that their grief should look a certain way, they might become even more discouraged that they don’t fit the mold.

If you’re going through a grieving process right now, know that you’re not limited to a certain way of grieving, and your mourning will be unique to you.

David Kessler, a well-known expert on the grieving process, has written this about grief occuring in three stages:

“(They) are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief. Not everyone goes through all of them or in a prescribed order. Our hope is that with these stages comes the knowledge of grief’s terrain, making us better equipped to cope with life and loss. At times, people in grief will often report more stages. Just remember, your grief is as unique as you are.”

Grieving is Lonely

Since grief is unique to each person, is there even a way to know what parts of it are common to everyone? After all, as Proverbs 14:10a says, “Each heart knows its own bitterness.” People may have compassion, pity, or empathy for you, but no one will ever be able to completely understand what you’re going through. Your loss is distinct from anyone else’s.

Though at first this may sound discouraging, recognizing the loneliness of grief can validate your sorrow. A Christian counselor can be very helpful in coming alongside you to demonstrate empathy without minimizing your feelings, and without assuming he or she knows precisely what you are feeling.

Where is Hope?

God is the only one who understands each one of us perfectly, including the grief that we experience on this earth. We’ve been promised that someday “He will wipe every tear from (your) eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain” (Revelation 21:4).

In an ultimate sense, Jesus will be the one who comforts all of our sorrows, since he himself was “acquainted with grief” (Isaiah 53:3) while he was on earth. Knowing that one day he will comfort us and that he can identify with our sorrow can help us to grieve properly.

Not only does Jesus promise joy in our eternal future with him, but he participated in human grief in the most personal way possible. We read in the Bible’s shortest verse that “Jesus wept” (John 11:35) as he saw where his friend Lazarus was buried. Even though Jesus knew the future and that he would momentarily resurrect Lazarus, in his human nature he experienced his own pain and loss and that of his friends so deeply that He joined them in their grief.

This act of humility and love can bind our hearts to the one who came to earth and felt our heartache with us. And his next act resurrecting Lazarus, reassures us that he has the ultimate victory over death, giving us eternal hope (1 Corinthians 15:55).

The Grieving Process is Lifelong

There is no end date for grief. This is why we should be careful not to describe the stages of grief as if they’re leading to a future without mourning. The goal of counseling is to help a bereaved person come to terms with the loss and move on, but even when progress is achieved, the process of grieving may still continue.

Bereaved individuals may feel a sense of urgency to progress through the various stages of grief and reach a time when they aren’t in acute emotional pain, but with grief, there are no guarantees. It is not a disorder or a disease, but a human response to loss. Rather than viewing it as a process that needs to be gotten through, it can be helpful to view grief as a journey toward healing as we remember and honor the lost.

The DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) notes the danger of conflating the grieving process with a serious depressive disorder. Deliberate thought needs to be given to the difference between a response to painful circumstances and a mental disorder:

“Careful consideration is given to the delineation of normal sadness and grief from a major depressive episode. Bereavement may induce great suffering, but it does not typically induce an episode of major depressive disorder.”

The depth of one’s grief points to the great love they had for the person that was lost. The more you loved this person, the more likely that you will continue to grieve their loss for a lifetime. Instead of trying to move beyond it, with the help of a counselor you can adapt to the grief and make progress in your life to honor the memory of your loved one.

Loving Testimony

In A Grief Observed, his poignant autobiographical book about the death of his wife, C.S. Lewis wrote, “The death of a beloved is an amputation.”

This is perhaps one of the best ways to describe the devastating loss of a loved one. Even after years have passed and other people think you’ve “gotten over” it, you will continue to be affected by that loss until the day of your own death.

Lewis continues: “He will probably have recurrent pains in the stump all his life, and perhaps pretty bad ones; and he will always be a one-legged man. There will be hardly any moment when he forgets it. Bathing, dressing, sitting down and getting up again, even lying in bed, will all be different. His whole way of life will be changed. All sorts of pleasures and activities that he once took for granted will have to be simply written off.”

Love and grief are inextricably intertwined. Grief bears witness to the incredible bond of love we had with the person we lost.

Poetry is another powerful way to describe what this feels like. Kahlil Gibran, the renowned Lebanese-American poet once wrote, “When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.” This is a reminder of the correlation between love and grief. Underneath every loss and its accompanying pain is the beauty and love that existed in that relationship.

What Brings on Grief

It’s not only loved one’s death that causes you to experience grieve. Even though this is grief in its quintessential form, there are a number of other experiences that cause a loss in one’s life, resulting in a period of mourning and sadness.

Here are some examples of circumstances that can result in grief:

• A loved one’s death
• A pet’s death
• Job loss
• Loss of physical/mental capabilities
• Separation from a one you love
• Conclusion of a friendship/relationship
• Infidelity
• Divorce

These situations can range from difficult to tragic, and the resulting responses are similar enough that they can all be referred to as grief.

Grief in Five Acts

In 1969, the book On Death and Dying by Elizabeth Elizabeth Kübler-Ross published the well-known psychology study on the five stages of death. These groundbreaking concepts have become famous, especially where pop culture is concerned.

These five stages were originally used to help people face a terminal illness, but the 2005 book On Grief and Grieving adapted them to help anyone going through a grieving process.

The stages of grief, though often thought of as being overly simplistic, have created an important cultural conversation on grief and death. Even among expert dissenters, the so-called grief stages have been so influential that they are still critiqued with respect.

David Feldman wrote the article “Why the Five Stages of Grief are Wrong,” but still pointed out some of the benefits of the ideas: “If you already are familiar with the stages of grief, you have psychiatrist and visionary death-and-dying expert Elizabeth Kübler-Ross to thank for it. Through her many books and tireless activism, Kübler-Ross managed to change how much of the world thought about death. She helped soften some of the stigma that had previously been present, making it a little more okay to talk about and get support for loss.”

Consider this summary of the various grief stages, as described by Kübler-Ross:

1. Denial

This response is frequently seen at the moment of receiving the news of a calamitous loss. In a way, this stage is a reactive mechanism for coping that allows the bereaved to survive some of the worst moments of their life.

2. Anger

In this context, anger is not seen as entirely negative. Instead, it’s contrasted with becoming numb to one’s feelings and pain. Anger may take various forms, but it’s important to realize that pain is the hidden impetus. The intensity of this anger is correlated with the intensity of the love that one had for the person who was lost.

3. Bargaining

The response to grief is often not based in rational decision-making, and this is clearly seen in the propensity of the bereaved to grasp at any straw in order to address their pain or change the inevitability of the loss.

4. Depression

The darkness of grief descends as the bereaved fully absorbs and feels the pain of their loss moment by moment. The depression of grief can be like a tidal wave over one’s mind and emotions, and it may feel unending.

This depression isn’t hopeless, though. It’s a human response to a devastating blow, and a needed step on the journey.

5. Acceptance

It’s essential to note that, as we reiterated above, acceptance doesn’t necessarily mean that the grieving process is over. Instead, acceptance means acknowledging that the loss is permanent and that it’s necessary to learn how to adjust and function in life again.

When acceptance has been achieved, it can be freeing because it’s often at this stage that the bereaved can spend more time celebrating the memory of their loved one.

The Four Tasks of Mourning

William J. Worden has described the “Four Tasks of Mourning,” a second model of grief that can be a beneficial tool for the bereaved. These tasks allow a grieving person to take action instead of suppressing their grief in order to deal with it later. Taking action can help someone move past the stage of denial, especially when dealing with an unexpected death.

According to Worden, it’s imperative that a grieving person participates in these tasks in order for “equilibrium to be reestablished.” The tasks are deliberately broad and applicable to a wide variety of personalities and experiences:

1. To come to terms with the fact of the loss
2. To move through the grief and pain
3. To come to grips with an environment where the deceased is absent
4. To develop an enduring connection with the deceased while embarking on a new life

Originally, the fourth task was described as “emotionally relocat[ing] the deceased and mov[ing] on with life.” But this description was updated to reflect the necessity of continuing to have a healthy emotional connection with a lost loved one, even while moving on.

Counseling for Grief

Perhaps you, yourself, or someone close to you is experiencing a time of loss right now. Our Christian counselors would be honored to walk with you on your grieving journey while providing gentle guidance, support, and empathy.

When you meet with a counselor, you’re promised a safe space where you can grieve in the way that is specific to your own needs and experiences. A counselor will respect your loss and take seriously the love represented by your grief. If this appeals to you, reach out today.