Pre Marriage Counseling: 6 Topics to Discuss Before the Wedding

Pre marriage counseling is a key to the everyday needs of a relationship. These topics may seem trivial, but knowing ahead of time what each person expects makes it easier to resolve matters.

At Orange County Christian Counseling, questions can be asked and problems can be solved ahead of time. There are a lot of decisions to make before getting married, not just what dress, what church, or who to invite.

What to Expect from Pre Marriage Counseling

Each couple will have individual and unique issues to deal with, so each counselor will work out a plan that helps the new couple best. Counselors may differ in their approach to life skills and problem-solving techniques, but the goal is always the same: long term healthy marriages.

People search for the perfect person to share life with. Once that person has been found, however, it is critical that the couple start out their lives on the right footing. That footing can easily be derailed, so it’s important to set a strong foundation for a happy marriage to be built upon. That’s what the Orange County Christian Counseling team is here for. With God’s help, it’s easier to overcome weakness and doubts.

Marriage is a partnership. A partnership needs to have open lines of communication, boundaries, and goals that are beneficial to both parties. Decisions about the future need to be discussed beforehand, so there won’t be misunderstandings and hurt in the future. Couples who are in the pre-marriage part of the relationship will want to focus on how to make this partnership succeed.

Statistically speaking, divorce rates are highest within the first two years of marriage. Orange County Christian Counseling wants to change those rates. Today’s society no longer supports the demands of a marriage that includes what God wants. Individuals might take the basics of a truly happy marriage lightly, which is not what God intended. That’s why premarital counseling is so important.

How Stress Can Affect a Premarital Couple

Now that the decision to get married has been taken, the chaos ensues. Suddenly, plans need to be made for the wedding. Where to get married, who to invite, how much to spend, and so many more issues can take their toll on both the couple and their extended families.

Unexpected and sometimes unrealistic demands on each person can cause hurt feelings and anger in what should be a happy time. God’s message of love and happiness in a marriage can get lost. This is where pre marriage counseling is such a help. The highly-trained counselors at Orange County Christian Counseling are ready to set couples on the right path to a successful marriage.

Use Pre Marriage Counseling as a Head Start

The whole purpose of pre marriage counseling is to prepare the couple for a healthy marriage. Common conflicts can be mitigated or avoided entirely with a relationship plan already in place.

Here are a few typical goals for premarital couples to focus on:

• Understanding what future conflicts can happen
• Identifying the strengths and weaknesses of each individual
• Knowledge of how to resolve conflicts
• Building successful communication tactics

There are a number of topics that can be approached through premarital counseling. Using the counseling sessions as a “safe haven” is perfect – this is where couples can leave their worries at the door and be taught how to deal with their stresses naturally, overcoming the anger and the confusion that it can cause.

Here are a few of the topics to focus on:

• Communication
• Sexuality
• Conflict management
• Blended families
• Roles of In-laws and friends
• Finances and decision making

First: Premarital communication habits will still be in place once the honeymoon ends.

Learning to live a realistic life and the problems it brings are what will make or break a new marriage. Create honest goals that both partners are aware of. There don’t need to be any ugly surprises that are suddenly brought up. Communicating goals and expectations before deciding to get married are important. Making sure that your marriage is not founded on a minefield is crucial to success.

Couples can often assume that because they love one another, the partner can just simply read their mind, know exactly what they want. It simply is not true.

Assuming that your partner knows what you want in different situations is not reasonable, nor is it fair. Feelings get hurt, expectations get smashed, and resentments begin. This is not a responsible way to approach situations because no real communication is occurring.

Starting healthy communication practices at the beginning of the relationship is the key to successful communication later on. Perhaps, through the years, each person may be able to “get” the other, but that is far down the line. Healthy communication now is the way to find that easy way of relating to one another along the way.

Second: What are the sexual expectations of each party?

Sex can often be seen as a taboo subject in a Christian relationship. Many times, couples will gloss over the topic of sex, simply assuming that they already know what the other wants, or that the sexual part of the marriage will simply fall into place as the couple grows together. Sex is a powerful way to show intimacy both physical and emotional. It’s important to not just gloss over the topic.

What about children? When will children be wanted? Right away? In a few years? These are decisions that need to be reviewed ahead of time. Is birth control being taken now if you are already sexually active? How will sex be viewed after marriage and the honeymoon is over?

If waiting for the wedding night to have sex together the first time, what are some of the fears and expectations of both man and woman? Though it may seem embarrassing, these are things that need to be brought to light now. With a premarital counselor, it may be easier to approach these topics.

Third: Conflict management and resolution are key to a well-ordered marriage.

No matter how hard one may try, it is not possible to eliminate all possibilities of conflict. Conflict is simply a part of life. How to handle it or resolve problems in a healthy way is what needs to be learned first. Learning the skills to handle chaos in a marriage can be taught by learning how to fight fair.

Arguments will happen. How to manage these situations is another matter entirely. Talking out a plan on how to approach a difficult, perhaps volatile, situation is important. Counselors will take time to work through a step-by-step process on how to approach conflict resolution and avoid resentment is a crucial step. This process can stop situations from escalating into an unfortunate situation.

Fourth: Is this a second marriage for either of the couple?

If so, there may be children who will affect the dynamics of the marriage relationship. Premarital couples will need to approach this topic if they are starting a new relationship while carrying part of a failed marriage or relationship into a new life. If a new stepparent has had children of his or her own, they may think that parenting a step child should be a cinch.

This might not necessarily be so. Making a misguided assumption such as this can lead to a lot of hurt and possible failure. This entire scenario can be avoided entirely by simply bringing these assumptions to light.

There are a few things to consider:

1. Create realistic expectations to stop misunderstandings and destructive patterns
2. Understand what triggered stress in the previous relationship
3. Agree on the family dynamics that need to be kept to
4. Review conflict resolution and plans for future situations
5. Reject past habits that caused problems in past relationships
6. Talk about parental planning with both biological and stepchildren

Fifth: Friends and In-laws

Where will they fit in after the marriage? How much input should an in-law or friend have in the new relationship? These topics need to be discussed ahead of time simply because there will need to be clear-cut agreements in how old relationships will be treated in the future. How involved in the family dynamics will a friend or in-law be? That needs to be decided now, so there won’t be any resentment or hurt feelings later on.

Sixth: Finances and final decisions

Who has the final say in how money is spent in the household? If there is only one income, how will it be managed? This is a topic that needs to be approached because it is a huge sore spot that can grow out of proportion if both parties of the couple don’t come to an agreement.

If the man has always done his own finances and expects to continue to do so, how will it really continue? If the woman was already financially independent and has always had only herself to make financial decisions, who will continue to do so in the future? The premarital counselor can help couples come to decisions about the finances in the future to stop misunderstandings and resentment.

Frequently Asked Questions for Premarital Counseling

Who goes to premarital counseling?

Simply put, any couple who is not married but who is planning to eventually marry. Even when a happy couple thinks that they are doing well in their relationship, it doesn’t hurt to attend counseling from time to time in order to make sure that everything is on track.

How much does premarital counseling cost?

At Orange County Christian Counseling, the counseling may be covered by health insurance, but rates will also vary between levels of experiences of the counselor. Some of the counselors may offer a sliding scale. For more certainty, check with the insurance carrier.

How long will the counseling last?

The time needed will depend on the couple. For more complicated issues, the counseling sessions may last weeks or months. Each case is taken on an individual basis, so it is not typically easy to pin down a specific date range. Talking to the counselor about time constraints is welcomed.

Feel free to browse our online counselor directory to find the best premarital counselor for you. We look forward to hearing from you!