Teenage Problems: How and Where to Seek Help

Teenage problems are real, and can be very serious. You might be surprised to learn that 1 out of every 5 American teenagers has a diagnosable mental health condition (Kessler et al., 2005). And sadly, according to the CDC, the third leading cause of death for young people ages 15-19 is suicide.

The National Institute of Mental Health estimates that over 3 million Americans teenagers have had a major depressive episode at some point between the ages of 12 and 17.

Let’s use three fictional stories to illustrate these statistics in a personal way:

Ethan

From the outside, Ethan does not fit any stereotypes of mental illness. He takes honors classes and is the captain of the football team. He’s popular and involved in his youth group, seen as a leader by adults and capable of encouraging others and taking responsibility.

Inside, though, Ethan constantly struggles with fear and self-doubt. Instead of feeling loved unconditionally, he finds his identity in what he can accomplish. If he’s not overachieving, he’s afraid no one will like him.

On top of these emotional struggles, Ethan doesn’t know how to communicate what he’s feeling. He has no outlet. Sometimes he punches himself or objects when his emotions become overwhelming. Often he can’t sleep because of racing thoughts. He wants freedom from all this pressure, but he doesn’t know how to find it.

Emma

Unlike Ethan’s buried emotions, Emma’s struggles can’t be readily concealed. She often arrives late to school and is frequently absent. She has physical symptoms of distress, such as headaches and stomachaches. Her grades have dropped.

The people around her don’t know what to think, or they tend to criticize her behavior. Her parents don’t want her to be so irresponsible and wonder if she’s using trumped-up physical issues as excuses. They, along with her teachers, think she has become lazier with regards to her schoolwork. But she still smiles and spends time with her friends, so they don’t suspect she might be depressed.

According to the authority figures in her life, Emma needs to focus on her priorities and avoid procrastination and laziness. But her inner world remains a mystery to them, including her pervasive sense of anxiety and sadness.

When Emma spends time with her friends, she feels less sad, but her feelings still linger in the background no matter what she’s doing. She avoids school because it reminds her of the pressure to perform. Like Ethan, she feels trapped by her circumstances. She doesn’t know how to explain her feelings and may not fully understand that her struggle is legitimate and nothing to be ashamed of.

Chloe

At age 15, Chloe has developed a reputation for being a difficult student who gets into fights and disrespects her teachers. When she isn’t cutting class, she’s talking back or being disruptive. Very few people see underneath her tough, angry behavior.

If you could peel back the layers, though, you would see Chloe’s daily struggle with anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. She feels inadequate and afraid to face the world, but instead of withdrawing, she tries to protect herself by being aggressive. She feels safer fighting back than being vulnerable. She doesn’t how to ask for help; in fact, she pushes away the people who could help her. She desperately needs love but doesn’t know how to let her guard down.

What does each of these three teens have in common? Their inner worlds do not mesh with their outer worlds and how people see them. It’s easy to make snap judgments about the problems these young people have, but by doing so we would overlook their genuine distress and need for help.

This is often the case in working with teenagers who are experiencing complex emotional struggles, yet lack the maturity to explain their feelings. It’s important not to make conclusions based solely on outward behavior. Let’s examine some of the deeper issues that may be lurking underneath a teen’s actions.

Teenage Problems that are Often Overlooked

Of course, there are a number of different problems that your teen might be struggling with, and the following symptoms can help you narrow down what might be the deeper issue. Many teenagers (and even adults) struggle with one or more of these symptoms even if they don’t have a diagnosable mental illness, but these are symptoms to consider in the context of possible conditions.

1. Moodiness

Isn’t moodiness a hallmark of normal teenage behavior? Not necessarily. If your teenager is irritable for long periods of time, this might indicate a struggle with ongoing anxiety or depression. For children and teenagers specifically, the American Psychiatric Association identifies irritability (as opposed to a depressed mood) as one of the criteria for a diagnosis of depression.

This means that it’s important not to write off your teen as just a normal, irritable adolescent. Irritability may signal a deeper problem.

Irritability does not have to be constant in order to be considered prolonged. It is sometimes intermittent, and teens often appear especially happy when they’re around their friends. This doesn’t mean they aren’t experiencing high levels of stress and anxiety.

Try not to take the irritability personally; instead, consider whether there might be something else going on.

2. Laziness

It’s easy to feel frustrated or discouraged when your teenager isn’t getting good grades, doesn’t complete assignments, oversleeps, or doesn’t seem interested in his or her normal activities. But again, this isn’t necessarily just typical adolescent behavior; like irritability, a lack of motivation can indicate depression.

Many teenagers who have been diagnosed with depression also experienced a drop in their grades. When their depression was treated, their grades began to gradually get better. If a teen is struggling with ongoing anxiety, this may also affect their grades, causing them to feel overwhelmed and unable to complete assignments.

Sometimes ADHD is also associated with behaviors that may be interpreted as sheer laziness, such as a failure to turn in homework.

The good news is that if one or more of these problems can be accurately diagnosed, they can also be treated, allowing the teen’s daily functioning and wellbeing to improve dramatically.

3. Attitude problems

Again, it’s easy to stereotype teens’ behaviors instead of thoughtfully examining them. A teen with an “attitude” is only showing part of the picture; they may be dealing with pent up anger and lack the communication skills to express it appropriately.

4. Overuse of technology

In today’s digital era, adults, teens, and even children can become addicted to devices. Beyond the inherent addictive nature of screens, teens may be using technology as a coping mechanism rather than finding a healthy alternative.

For example, a teenager might undergo anxious racing thoughts while trying to fall asleep, so they choose to zone out by watching YouTube or Netflix until they’re so tired they drift off while watching. By learning healthy coping mechanisms for anxiety, they can reduce their dependence on technology (which often contributes to anxiety in and of itself).

5. “Drama”

Sometimes teenagers have conflicts with peers, and we write them off as typical teenage drama, but if your child is suddenly experiencing an unusual amount of issues with friends, take some time to figure out what’s going on.

It’s possible that your teenager is simply struggling to develop social and communication skills in order to build healthy friendships, and you can offer support to them. But it’s also possible that he or she is being bullied in some way, including the possibility of cyberbullying, which can fly under adults’ radar. It’s possible that your teen’s irritability associated with depression has been causing issues in his or her relationships as well.

6. Complaints of sickness or pain

Emotional symptoms often present as physical discomfort, pain, or sickness. Anxiety can often lead to headaches or stomach pain. Depression often manifests in various physical ways as well. A teen who complains of chronic pain or discomfort may be experiencing hidden, corresponding emotional symptoms.

Other Possible Symptoms of Mental Illness in Teens

Here is a list of other possible symptoms that may indicate something deeper is going on with your teenager:

• A pattern of habitual lying
• Suddenly changing friend groups
• Noticeable weight gain or loss
• Lowered grades
• Starting to get in trouble at school
• Lowering hygiene standards or excessive fixation on appearance
• Secretive behaviors
• Any noticeable, significant shift in expressed feelings or behavior
• Isolation

As a parent, you know your child best. Pay attention to the red flags and your instinctive knowledge that something is wrong. If you’re not sure, don’t hesitate to seek professional help to assist you in understanding your teen better and ruling out serious issues.

How to Help Your Teen

Here are seven ways to help your teen who is dealing with common but possibly serious problems:

1. Learn

Spend some time reading about physical and emotional health in adolescence. Involve your teen if he or she is willing. We recommend the book Brainstorm by Daniel Siegel; it’s an excellent resource for understanding teenage brain development.

2. Talk

If you can break the ice with your teenager, it might help them overcome the communication barrier. Invite them to talk to you about what’s going on inside. Sometimes parents’ lives are so busy that we might unintentionally seem unavailable to our children; let your teen know that you are available if they ever need to talk.

3. Create a safe environment

If your teen is willing to open up with you, it’s important to listen before reacting. Validate their feelings, even if you don’t agree with them. Make sure you don’t shame them or argue with them; really seek to understand where they’re coming from.

When a person is already in an emotional state, using a logical argument does nothing but increase their emotion. The first response should instead be empathy and connection. This helps calm the emotions, and at that point, the brain can be more receptive to logical conversation. (Siegel, 2013)

4. Teach emotional skills

While it’s important not to shame a teen for their emotions, and to validate their experience, teaching them how to cope with these emotions is also a crucial step.

Here’s one resource that may be helpful: the book Don’t Let Your Emotions Run Your Life for Teens: Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills for Helping You Manage Mood Swings, Control Angry Outbursts, and Get Along With Others (2011).

5. Model boundaries

Boundaries are limits we set on our own behavior and how others treat us. Boundaries can apply to our time, activities, use of technology, and relationships.

Most of us realize that adolescents don’t respond well to lectures. Instead, maintain an ongoing conversation with your teenager about life and his or her experiences, and at the same time, work on being a good example of healthy boundaries in your own life.

6. Focus on being present

Anxiety often stems from overarching concern about life, especially the future. Encourage your teenager to be present in the current day and moment. Get outside if you can; make eye contact when speaking; slow down instead of rushing. Again, modeling these behaviors can make a big impact, even if your teen isn’t willing to connect as often as you would like.

7. Set clear and realistic expectations

Show grace to your child as they navigate this difficult time of life. Continue to set realistic expectations (for example, they need to be in school unless they’re legitimately sick). But pick your battles and lower your standards whenever possible. And make sure you clearly spell out your expectations kindly; this can actually make your teen feel more secure, even if they protest.

When and Where to Seek Help for Teenage Problems

If you’ve come to the conclusion that your own child or another teenager in your life is struggling inside, know that there are many resources to help both of you. Again, keep in mind that everyone goes through times of sadness and stress, but prolonged emotional distress often points to a more serious problem.

There are also immediate red flags that require professional evaluation, including self-harm, violence or extremely aggressive behavior, and suicidal ideation.

When you meet with a counselor for teenage problems, he or she will conduct an initial evaluation and work with you to set up a treatment plan. Sometimes, a teenager just needs help to develop healthy coping mechanisms for normal negative emotions. Others might need help learning to set boundaries in their relationships.

If an adolescent struggles with emotional regulation, self-injury, or suicidal ideation, a therapist may recommend dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), which can occur in both the individual and group settings.

When teenagers participate in skills group therapy as part of DBT, they will learn mindfulness, emotional regulation skills, distress tolerance skills, interpersonal effectiveness skills, and how to “walk the middle path” (which involves learning how to think collaboratively rather than in either/or terms).

Besides DBT, boundaries, and coping mechanisms, your counselor may recommend a variety of other treatments as well, based on your teen’s individual needs. When you meet with a counselor, you’re helping your child take the first steps toward healing.

As Christian counselors, we are here to help teenagers and families navigate the difficult path of adolescence, emotional struggles, and mental illness and achieve health and freedom.