Marriage Problems: The Dilemma of Being an Avoider Spouse

Referenced from Milan and Kay Yerkovich’s book “How We Love”

Our emotions allow us to feel human. With them, we may experience joy and happiness yet comfort one another in times of grief. It is good and healthy to express ourselves.

However, some people grew up in environments where emotional expression was not desired. Emotions got in the way of things. Emotions clouded the mind and simply irritated the people around, adding to the struggles of everyday life.

Because of this, they became what authors Milan and Kay Yerkovich label as “avoiders.” For avoiders, emotions are just extra baggage that get in the way of practical solutions. They prefer instead to logically focus on their tasks than dwell on feelings.

Unfortunately for their spouses, this makes married life unbearable, as avoiders usually rely on themselves without consulting others. Avoiders may also have difficulty controlling their anger, causing a number of marriage problems.

“I Need to Do this Myself!”

Avoiders learned to ignore their emotions, and often the people around them, because of their upbringing – often called an “imprint.” When they were young, the people around them (e.g. parents or other guardians) preferred less emotional issues and complaints, desiring instead that necessary tasks like chores and homework were done.

Such an environment was probably quite strict and intimidating or even indifferent and distant. Children living in such a place realized that they had to take care of their own concerns themselves.

Since they could not count on the people around them they learned to become independent. For them, “Emotions became annoyances to get rid of rather than opportunities to develop closeness and experience comfort.” (59)

But not all of them began in such a detached household. Some probably felt love in the early years but lost that when changes to the family occurred such as separation or death. Since the ones they truly counted on were no longer around to comfort them, they instead shut out their emotions so they could focus on the tasks that were needed to survive.

However, though feelings are considered irritations to avoiders, many times what was nurtured over the years were anger and resentment – resentment at the useless people around them and anger that they have been forced to struggle through life alone. Hence, avoiders often struggle with outbursts of anger when things do not go according to plan, causing further marriage problems.

“I’m Alone in My Marriage”

Since avoiders are used to being independent, this often carries over into their marriages. This is why their spouses often feel like they do not have a real partner. Instead of discussing and making the big family decisions together, the avoider spouse chooses to decide on their own, especially if he or she is the one earning the family money.

But it is not just “family decisions” that are an issue. Since husband and wife are supposed to be a team, the idea is that even personal concerns, marriage problems, issues at work or even with friends should be openly shared. This, however, does not happen.

Growing up, avoiders often experienced ridicule or punishment when they showed their feelings. Their guardians may have locked them in their rooms or asked them to stand in a corner until their crying stopped.

They may have been mocked or berated for “acting like a baby” or strongly commanded to “grow up,” or even threatened. Because of this, it is now more natural for them to hide any vulnerability than to openly share, even to their own spouse, and this creates marriage problems that are hard to overcome.

However, it is not just the avoider’s spouse that feels alone. The avoider feels the isolation too, especially when dealing with difficulties, negative emotions, and marriage problems. For some, the result is that they are on the outside looking in at their family. (65)

“Jesus Wept”

As shared by the authors, avoiders are often men, since society frowns upon men showing any vulnerability as doing so is considered “weak” and “not manly.” But as the Bible shows, Jesus Christ, the greatest man who ever lived, was unafraid to share his emotions with the people around him. He angrily scolded the vendors in the temple, wept for others and openly showed love to the children, his disciples, and outcasts.

When Jesus heard that Lazarus died in John 11, we read that Jesus cried. Though Jesus knew that Lazarus would be raised to life in a few moments, he was still upset by the news about his friend and the grief that was felt around him. Though Scripture does not say how he wept, he still did so – and he was not criticized or ashamed for doing so.

This shows us that God never meant for people to ignore their feelings or handle problems alone. It is why we are born into families and why we live in communities as we are meant to encourage and support one another.

The same is true in a marriage union. It will not work if spouses are not working in unison. While it may be tough initially to share personal pains and struggles, in the end, this creates a stronger marriage bond as openness and trust are there.

There is Help through Christian Counseling

Overcoming something that has become a core part of a person’s life is difficult to do alone. But all is not lost. Through Christian counseling, a professional counselor can help an avoider learn to open up to others, especially to those most important in their life.

For couples, Christian counseling can be the venue for spouses to understand more about their marriage problems and how to resolve it together with Christ’s help. In the end, it is hoped that both partners will be able to open up, trust one another and work together to make their marriage work.

If you or someone you know is dealing with an avoider issue, get help soon. With God’s help, anything is possible.