What Does Active Listening Look Like?

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and wondered if they even heard what you were saying? You know they were there, present physically, and they may have even heard you saying words, but you are left wondering if they really heard what you were trying to say. In other words, were they practicing active listening?

With the number of conversations and interactions in a day or a week, it can be a guessing game if people hear you. Instead of guessing, what if you could understand how to communicate better and be intentional with the conversations you have? That’s where active listening makes all the difference.

What is active listening?

To communicate effectively, people must do more than hear another person’s words. Active listening is a method of communication that involves listening and responding to promote understanding for both people. It goes beyond hearing the words someone is saying to a deeper level of understanding the meaning and intent behind the words.

The Berkeley Well-Being Institute explains active listening as, “the active process of listening to understand.” Listening with the intention of better understanding requires us to engage in conversations differently.

When actively listening, we sometimes need to lay aside our ideas and focus on what the other person is trying to share. Often, this goes beyond simply hearing words to incorporate other senses as you listen.

Why it is important

As humans, we want to feel connected to others. This varies depending on individuals and relationship types, but overall the need for connection is at the root of communication. We want to be understood by others.

This is true in every type of relationship. It could be in an intimate relationship like a marriage or a professional relationship like that with a work colleague. It could be with your parents or with the cashier at the store. When we interact with other people we long to be understood.

The book of Proverbs addresses the benefits of understanding: “Blessed is the one who finds wisdom, and the one who gets understanding, for the gain from her is better than gain from silver and her profit better than gold.” (Proverbs 3:13, ESV) This is a reminder of the value of understanding another person and being understood.

Active listening helps build trust as it creates safer relational spaces where people feel comfortable expressing themselves. They are confident that they will be heard and understood without judgment. When you practice active listening, you are fostering deeper understanding and connection with the people in your life.

What gets in the way?

When we communicate our thoughts, ideas, and feelings we are trying to facilitate that connection and understanding, but sometimes things get in the way. In a world full of distractions, both external and internal, there is a myriad of possibilities for what gets in the way of active listening.

External factors like interruptions, cell phones, schedules, and even other people can cause a gap in the understanding of our thoughts, ideas, and feelings. Similarly, internal factors like stress, fatigue, and our ideas and opinions can get in the way of truly understanding another person.

To combat these things and promote deeper understanding, it is important to be intentional about active listening, especially in relationships with those closest to you.

Keys to active listening

Active listening involves a combination of skills that work together to promote understanding. As you read through these keys and examples of active listening, think about how you can incorporate them into your relationships.

Be fully present.

In a world that is full of information pulling you in every direction, active listening involves being fully present with the person who is speaking to you. To be fully present you should stop doing other things and physically engage with the speaker through body language and eye contact. Put away anything distracting such as a cell phone or project to give them your full attention.

You also should avoid multi-tasking, daydreaming, or forming opinions of what the person is saying. Your sole job is to be present as a listener.

For example, sit reasonably close to the person talking and make eye contact. If you were in the middle of something, set it aside or ask the person if you can talk in another room so you won’t be distracted. It is good to leave electronic devices like cell phones and televisions in another room.

Pay attention to body language and other cues.

People speak with far more than words. As you listen, be aware of facial expressions, body motions, or other indicators that would better help you understand the speaker.

For example, speaking quickly may indicate that the person is anxious or upset about something, while speaking slowly may show that they are feeling apprehensive, choosing words carefully.

Your body language as a listener matter as well. Be aware of what your body is saying to the speaker. For example, keeping your arms relaxed, leaning in, and nodding are all good ways to show the person that you are present and listening.

Also, pay attention to your facial expressions. Sometimes we express things without meaning to do so. Try to keep your expression neutral and encouraging, occasionally smiling while the person speaks.

Reflect what you hear.

When the person is done speaking or asks you a question, think of yourself like a mirror. Your job is simply to reflect what you heard. This shows the person that you were listening and creates space for him or her to correct anything that may have been miscommunicated.

Good examples of reflection responses include phrases like, “What I hear you saying is…” and “I want to make sure I understand. You said…” These phrases allow you to verbally process what the other person said and it gives the other person the opportunity to clarify anything.

Ask clarifying questions.

To get more information, you can ask the person open-ended questions. This gives them the chance to think more deeply and consider additional ideas.

Some examples of open-ended questions are:

• Can you tell me more about that?
• What happened next?
• How did that make you feel?

Any question that invites the speaker to express themself more while refraining from offering opinions or judgments can be helpful.

Reflect feelings.

After you reflect on what the person said and ask questions, you can move on to reflect on the person’s feelings. This involves a bit more thought as you try to understand the feeling associated with what the person said.

For example, you may respond by saying, “I heard what you said. So, are you saying you’re feeling overwhelmed and stuck?” or “It sounds like you’re feeling frustrated, is that accurate?”

Give the person the opportunity to define how they feel. It will help you both.

Refrain from making judgments or giving opinions.

Active listening is about the speaker. It is not an invitation to fix things or an opportunity to judge someone. When you simply listen, it allows the other person to communicate authentically, which helps foster a healthy relationship and connection for both of you.

An example, if someone shares that they are stressed because of a situation at home, it isn’t your job to tell them the things they can do to alleviate that stress. Your role as an active listener is simply to hear them, validate what they feel, and offer your presence.

Final thoughts

Active listening doesn’t happen accidentally. It requires thoughtful intention with the purpose of serving another person. Active listening is work, and the more you practice the easier it will get. As you think about your relationships and how you can incorporate active listening, consider the benefits that come with the work.

Is there a relationship in your life that would benefit from more intentional active listening? The counselors at Orange County Christian Counseling can help you develop strategies for active listening that works. Reach out today for more information.