Understanding Emotional Infidelity

Historically, marriages were arranged between families and centered around the fulfillment of basic needs such as economic security, family ties, and reproductive goals. A spouse wasn’t expected to meet his or her partner’s emotional needs. However, social changes and the rise of individualism in developed nations, along with love matches becoming the norm, have led to a shift in what couples expect from their relationship.

Today, couples expect marriage to mean more than just a lifetime of monogamous companionship. Being physically faithful is no longer enough. They expect it to also include a shared emotional intimacy that is exclusive to their relationship. Turning to a third party to fulfill some aspect of their emotional well-being can also be considered an act of betrayal.

This is how dishonesty and betrayal started, not in big lies but in small secrets. – Amy Tan

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Because the term emotional infidelity is a relatively new concept that means different things to different people, defining exactly what being emotionally unfaithful means can be a challenge. It is made even more challenging by all the new ways technology has created for connecting with others.

Unless clear boundaries have been established beforehand, couples may come into marriage with vastly mismatched expectations as to what kinds of non-physical interactions outside their relationship are acceptable.

Definition of emotional infidelity

Emotional infidelity, sometimes referred to as an affair of the heart, is when a spouse forms a deep emotional connection with a person other than his or her partner and shares intimate thoughts and feelings with him or her that should be reserved for his or her significant other. This can happen in person or online and often starts innocently, such as chatting with a new coworker or liking someone’s post on social media.

Though emotional infidelity does not involve a physical relationship, it can be just as hurtful and damaging as physical infidelity. It is a violation of your partner’s trust that can cut deeper than a physical affair, lead to heartache and feelings of betrayal, and create a deep chasm of emotional distance between you.

Effect of technology

Before the advent of technology emotional infidelity might have meant having an inappropriately close friendship with a coworker or meeting up with an ex behind a partner’s back. Cell phones, social media, and the Internet, however, have changed the way people meet and interact, even enabling them to do so in more private and anonymous ways. This makes it even easier to engage in behavior that might lead to emotional infidelity and remain under the illusion that you are not breaking any rules.

Difference between a platonic friendship and an emotional affair

Both platonic friendships and emotional affairs provide companionship, validation, and support. However, the main differences lie in the level of intimacy involved and the time spent together.

A platonic friendship is a positive, supportive relationship between two people that is open and above board, and that does not include sexual chemistry or a romantic interest. An emotional affair, on the other hand, is characterized by secrecy and intense emotions and involves a betrayal of trust that would hurt the deceived spouse if he or she knew about it.

Stages leading to emotional infidelity

Emotional infidelity is rarely intentional. Nor does it happen overnight. It typically involves the gradual progression of a simple friendship that evolves in stages and deepens over time.

Stage 1

You strike up an innocent friendship with a co-worker, someone at the gym, or even a blogger on social media. You seem to click and enjoy each other’s company. You start to form a bond over an occasional coffee or work lunch together.

Casual chitchat or conversations about work gradually turn into the sharing of personal information and things in your life you wouldn’t normally talk about with just anyone. An emotional connection starts to grow between you, and you find it comforting to have someone you can vent to.

Stage 2

The emotional bond with your new confidant continues to get deeper. You feel understood, and your friendship becomes more intimate as the conversations between you become more personal. You start sharing secrets and dreams, as well as confidences about troubles and grievances in your marriage.

You go out of your way to be there for him or her and long to be able to spend more time together. You dress up a bit when you know you are going to see him or her and start comparing him or her to your spouse. You start idealizing this friend and wishing your spouse would be more like him or her.

Stage 3

The red line between friendship and emotional infidelity gets crossed. You become emotionally dependent on one another and try to find ways to spend more time together. You think about him or her constantly and may even have romantic fantasies.

You hide the relationship from your spouse, and your friend becomes the first person you want to share “news” with. When you are not together in person, you spend a lot of time texting, emailing, and/or video chatting.

Signs of emotional infidelity

Signs of emotional infidelity can be subtle and difficult to recognize at first, but some telltale signs can include a growing feeling of distance between you, less communication, and that you no longer seem to be a priority to him or her.

He or she rarely shares information about their life or feelings with you anymore and frequently mentions a new friend. If you ask questions, they get defensive and frequently get upset with you for no reason.

Perhaps the most telling sign is secretiveness. He or she spends more and more time on his or her devices and tries to keep you away from them, hiding texts, emails, and social media interactions. If you ask who they are talking to when he or she is on the phone, they respond evasively, and seem distant or distracted during conversations, as though his or her mind is far away on something else.

Causes of emotional infidelity

Emotional infidelity can be the result of unclear boundaries and a lack of mutual understanding of what behaviors are acceptable and what are not. More typically, however, it is the result of unmet needs in the relationship that leads the betraying spouse to look for an emotional connection outside the marriage. The most common ones include lack of communication, not feeling supported or validated, lack of connection, loneliness, and/or feeling disrespected.

How to protect your relationship

Set clear boundaries

Make sure you and your spouse are on the same page as to what behaviors are acceptable and not acceptable in your relationship to avoid a mismatch in expectations.

Establish clear, mutually agreed-upon boundaries delineating what you consider to be emotional infidelity, and how you should interact with others outside of your marriage relationship, such as avoiding friendships with the opposite sex, rather than making assumptions or going by unspoken rules.

Communicate

Open and honest communication helps you and your spouse grow closer and have less of a need to look elsewhere for support. Talk to each other about everything regularly – the details of your day, your feelings, your needs and desires – and don’t avoid difficult conversations. Learn how to resolve conflicts and disagreements in a healthy way and be quick to forgive and repair hurts.

Be respectful and supportive of one another

Respect each other’s boundaries and be supportive and emotionally available to one another.

Spend quality time together

Prioritize spending quality time together. Have weekly dates, engage in fun activities and shared hobbies, and pray together.

If you have questions about this article on emotional infidelity and/or would like to set up a risk-free appointment to meet with one of the faith-based counselors in Orange County, please give us a call at Orange County Christian Counseling in California.