10 Things to Know Before Marriage: Questions to Ask Before You Say “I Do”

Counseling before marriage is a good idea for any couple. Too often people are so focused on “I do,” and they do almost no work for the morning after. Often, couples live together before getting married. But that does not mean things do not shift after you commit.

It is important to sit down and discuss hard issues. Premarital counseling enables there to be a safe place where things can get put on the table and discussed.

Below is a list of ten questions to ask before marriage.

1. What does marriage mean to you?How do you see us navigating the harder times? What does this relationship mean to you? What do you believe leads to a healthy and successful marriage? What are your qualifiers for divorce?

2. How do you see household needs being handled?What do you see as the role of each of us in this marriage? Who is going to do the dishes? Laundry? Pay bills? Spend time with the kids?

3. What are we going to do with our money?Will there be separate bank accounts or one? Who makes decisions on big purchases? How do you feel about debt? Savings?

4. Tell me your attitude on sex. What is your expectation? Where/how have you learned about it? What’s your history?

5. Do you want children?How many? When? How do you see them being raised? What do you see as each of our responsibilities? What do you see as a good family-work balance?

6. Where do you see us five years from now?Ten years from now? How do you feel big decisions should be made? What do you value – money, position, family? How do you see us balancing seeing our families, work obligations, etc.?

7. Tell me about a time you were let down/disappointed.What’s your relationship with the person now? Did you learn anything? (This can help tell you how your partner will react when you disappoint him or her. If there is anything that strikes you, bring it up to your counselor.)

8. Tell me about a time you were betrayed. How did you react? What’s your relationship with the person now? Did you learn anything?

9. Tell me about an ex-girlfriend/boyfriend where things didn’t end well.How do you feel about him or her now? Did you learn anything? (This is someone for whom he or she once had deep emotions. How your partner talks about this relationship speaks volumes. If anything strikes you, please bring it up to a counselor.)

10. How do you fight? Do you fight (go big), flight (leave), or freeze (shut down)? What do you think is fair in a fight? How do you see us resolving conflict? Are there any ground rules we need to establish now?

Marriage can be incredible if people go into it with a solid foundation and eyes wide open. The questions above not only address what tends to lead to marriage issues, but help you gain an important insight into who your spouse is. Any inklings, red flags, or big issues should be addressed before the promise of forever is made.

Even if things are great between you, or you’ve been living together for a while, it is vital to discuss these issues. If this is a second marriage for either party, it is imperative to discuss what happened the first time, and what the person learned/will do differently.

The counselors at Orange County Christian Counseling are here to help. We would love to help you two lay down the most solid foundation possible before you start your lives together. Call our office today to schedule your first appointment.