4 Steps to Emotional Affair Recovery

When we hear the word “affair,” the general ideas of infidelity come to mind – people engaged in extramarital sex or even just sharing extramarital kisses. Many of us are quick to condemn such actions, especially if it affects someone we know and love.

But what if our good friend or relative is having an “emotional affair”? Are we supposed to warn them about it? Is it even a real thing?

What it Means to Have an Emotional Affair

An emotional affair occurs when a married person finds themselves deeply connected emotionally to someone other than their spouse. These emotions are not just the platonic ones experienced by friends; they also include a hidden romantic desire for that person.

Basically, the inner desire for one’s spouse is slowly being replaced by the longing to be with the other person, even if there is no romantic physical contact, and even if such a romantic liaison can never truly happen (e.g. wishful thinking since he or she is happily married).

For example:

You’ve been going through some issues in your marriage and you feel a need to open up. So you decide to talk to Billy, your colleague. Normally, you do not talk much as your respective assignments are very different; but you need a married man’s perspective and he seems quite mature. The sharing goes well and the advice given helps with your current issues. You decide to thank Billy for his effort by buying him coffee after work.

After many months, you find that Billy and you have lunch once a week. And after a particularly difficult day at work, sometimes the two of you have coffee just to relax and ease the stress. You end up sending encouraging text messages in the morning, and then later on even in the evening.

You feel completely at ease with him, especially when discussing serious matters like raising the kids and eternal life. Sometimes you catch yourself thinking, “What would life be like if I had met him before I met my husband?”

Of course, these are just silly thoughts crossing your mind, so you tell yourself to stop. But after many more weeks, you find yourself thinking in the middle of the day about what an incredible man Billy is – you have great laughs together; you can express yourself more; he’s even quite cute – but he is happily married, and you are not legally available.

4 Important Steps to Emotional Affair Recovery

Though romantic physical contact is not involved, there is something inherently wrong with an emotional affair.

Marriage requires physical, emotional, and spiritual union between husband and wife. If any of these three elements is missing, there will be a problem in the marriage, even if the erring person chooses not to leave their spouse. This is why emotional affairs must be stopped.

Step 1: Recognize that there is an emotional affair

Emotional affairs are not like one-night stands; they do not suddenly occur because someone was drunk and tempted. It is usually a slow process that begins with finding a kindred soul who seems to understand the person more than their spouse.

At the onset, this may begin because of shared interests that one’s spouse is not able or is not willing to do like watch a ball game or attend a poetry reading. But more commonly, this affair starts because of a problem at home that compels a person to share their struggles with someone else – an officemate, a church mate, or a good friend.

This does not mean that we should not open up to close friends when we have issues in life. Talking about our problems helps if we are in the company of someone mature and responsible. But such situations can lead to sticky situations if we are not careful and honest about our reasons.

From the book Anatomy of an Affair (Carder, 2008), here are some signs to watch out for:

• Marital and relationship problems are regularly discussed with one another, with both believing that it is just a form of mentorship.
• Meetups with this friend are more eagerly anticipated than meeting one’s spouse.
• One begins comparing their spouse’s traits to their friend, secretly wishing the spouse was similar.
• Tokens of appreciation are given regularly to this friend, even if there is no special occasion.
• More and more time is spent alone together – whether in public or in private.
• One becomes uneasy about allowing their spouse to view their texts or online messages due to the sheer volume of communication with that friend and possibly the message content.
• One is no longer honest with their spouse about how much time is spent together with the friend.
• Tension now occurs with one’s spouse every time the friend’s name is mentioned.
• Communication (e.g. texts, online, in person) with the friend has become more flirtatious.

Step 2: Talk to Somebody about It

If a person has realized that they are having an emotional affair, it is important to talk to someone who is emotionally mature and wise enough to give the right advice. For some, this may be their pastor. For others, this could be their parents, another mature close relative (e.g. uncle, aunt, or sibling), or a trusted friend (preferably of the same gender).

Obviously, this may be a very uncomfortable step as the inner turmoil will be shared. There may also be guilty and shameful feelings as the person may feel the weight of damaging their marriage vows.

But this is a necessary second step as a burden will be lifted once the experience is shared. Sharing will also allow exploration of why and how it all began. In doing so, it will become easier to think rationally about how to stop it and prevent it from occurring again.

Step 3: Get Counseling

After opening up to someone else, it is time to seek counseling – individually and as a couple. Some people opt for individual counseling first as they wish to know more about their situation before involving their spouse.

In individual counseling, other underlying issues (e.g. abandonment as a child, multiple failed relationships) may be discovered and dealt with. The counselor can also help the erring spouse with what they should say to that “friend.”

For the aggrieved spouse, individual counseling can help with the immediate hurts. The counselor will also remind them of their marriage duties and encourage them not to give up, which is something they may be considering.

Sometimes, the aggrieved spouse may feel guilty for not seeing the signs or for causing the erring spouse to seek “emotional comfort” from another. The counselor will help the offended spouse regain their self-confidence which is needed for the marriage to work.

After individual counseling, marriage counseling together is necessary. The marriage has been damaged (but not yet broken!) because of this emotional affair. Both spouses need a neutral and safe venue where they can discuss the reasons behind it, the on-going pain, and the solutions. A marriage counselor can also help rekindle that love so that both may continue on strong and not half-heartedly.

If help was sought from a Christian marriage counselor, spiritual renewal will be an integral part of the process as the couple’s connection with God was also affected. Without His help, no marriage will ever be complete.

Step 4: Forgiveness

Now that counseling has begun, it may be the time to begin working on forgiveness – whether to humbly ask for it or to give it.

For many, these are not easy to do as they require a swallowing of pride and a willingness to set aside the hurts. For both sides, trust is important – both to say that one is sorry and, of course, to actually accept the other’s apology.

Forgiveness should also not just be about words. A clear action plan is required so that this will not occur again. Discussions about transparency in communication with others (e.g. texting or online message) may be required.

This should also include setting clear boundaries when dealing with friends and colleagues, especially with “the friend.” Plans for intentionally strengthening the marriage bond through mutual activities (e.g. date nights, prayer sessions) and regular communication with one another will also be needed.

Without true forgiveness and repentance, the marriage will be in shambles. If spouses cannot trust one another, resentment and other forms of negativity will define the marriage, leading to a full-blown affair, separation, or both. Spiritually, both spouses will need God’s help to repent, forgive, and move on positively from this devastating incident.

Contact a Christian Counselor for Emotional Affair Recovery

If you or a friend you know is having an emotional affair, seek help from a Christian counselor soon. Every marriage is special, and every marriage has a purpose. A Christian counselor can help both of you mend the marriage with prayer and Scripture so that God is always part of your married life. Get the help you need so that healing between you and your spouse may begin.