Overcoming the Pain of a Broken Heart: Seven Steps to Healing

Having a broken heart can leave us feeling empty and numb, and it can also cause us to lose our sense of who we are. Nobody is safe from the most universally devastating aspect of being human: losing someone you love. It has the potential to expose the most vulnerable parts of you, to keep you stuck in a cycle of negative emotions, and to leave you feeling as though there is no hope.

Having said that, you need to be aware that you are not the only person dealing with this issue. You may be the common denominator in all of your previous relationships, but the blame does not lie solely on your shoulders.

You are not defective or “damaged goods,” but rather, you are a collection of all of the challenging and wonderful experiences that have brought you to this point in your life.

Seven Steps to Overcoming a Broken Heart

The process of healing varies from person to person, but in her book Your Pocket Self-Esteem Guide: Increase Your Confidence; Transform Your Life (2021), self-help expert and psychotherapist Gael Lindenfield outlines seven steps to healing that you can use as a guide along your particular journey to emotional recovery:

• Exploration
• Expression
• Comfort
• Compensation
• Perspective
• Channeling
• Forgiveness

Remember that there is no “quick fix” to get over the pain of loss and heartbreak. Nevertheless, being aware of where you are in the healing process can facilitate the taking of some self-empowerment measures that bring you closer to a happy conclusion.

1. Exploration According to Lindenfield (2021), the first step in the healing process is to investigate the source of one’s pain and to accept responsibility for what one believes to have taken place in their life. At this point, you don’t want to waste time or energy trying to find someone to blame or on activities that dull the pain. Instead, you should focus on thoroughly investigating the fundamental emotional response that is taking place inside of you.

It might be helpful to remind yourself that you are only attempting to investigate your perceptions of events and memories, and not necessarily the truth of an event. This is something that you should try to keep in mind at all times. For instance, take note of whether your reaction to the end of a relationship is centered on critical self-talk and language that shames you (such as, “I am not attractive enough” or “I don’t deserve to be happy”).

2. Expression

After you have investigated how you perceive your pain, you may find that you move into the expression stage of the process on your own accord. At this point, the most important thing you can do for yourself is to slowly let yourself feel the pain or emotion that is associated with the event or heartbreak.

You should permit yourself to listen to that sad song while you soak in the tub or think about old memories as long as you don’t find yourself playing an active role in shame or self-blame during these activities. Feel what it’s like to have a broken heart and express it.

3. Comfort

At this stage in the healing process, you must seek assistance from a close friend, a member of your family, or a therapist. All you need to feel comforted may be for someone to listen to you tell your story and be present with you, whereas other people might require a few words of encouragement. You may need the assistance of a friend to get started cutting back the tangled mess that your former partner left behind in your life.

In his TedTalk from 2017, entitled “How to fix a broken heart,” Guy Winch made the point that it is vitally important for us not to lionize our previous partners or transform them into fictitious heroes in any way. Instead, we should examine the reasons why they were not an ideal partner and why they may not have contributed to your happiness in the future. It is high time that you removed those old photos from your mobile device.

4. Compensation

It is now time to begin “making up” for all of the pain and hurt that you have received or experienced up to this point in time. It is time to begin “making amends.” You must make time to indulge in a little bit of self-indulgence now and then. It is okay for you to take pleasure in things. To find some light, you need to permit yourself to do so. The following is a list of some examples that have been incorporated by some of my clients during the compensation stage:

• Hearing music that makes one “feel good.”
• Taking a relaxing long bath with some candles and aromatherapy oils
• Going to take a stroll through the park.
• Bringing a friend or a group of friends together to share a bottle of wine.
• Taking yourself out on a date – just the two of you – and spoiling yourself.
• Making travel arrangements

5. Perspective

It’s possible that by this point, you’ve already made significant progress toward mending your broken heart. You might also be ready to start putting the upsetting events in perspective and allowing yourself to write a new ending to the story now that you’ve reached this point. Here are a few questions you could ask yourself:

• Do I imagine things to have had a greater or lesser impact than they did?
• In what ways do I hope to renegotiate existing relationships in the years to come?
• Have I extended the same degree of compassion and grace to myself that I would to someone I love?
• Do any of the earlier stages require me to spend additional time on them?

6. Channeling

According to Lindenfield (2021), the purpose of channeling is to discover beneficial ways to constructively apply the positive benefits that one has gained as a result of the emotional pain that one has experienced. The following are some examples:

• Implementing new relational boundaries.
• Giving back to your community or getting involved in a group that you recently joined are both good examples.
• Keeping a blog where you share your experiences to assist others.

7. Forgiveness

Although you may have reached the final stage, this does not mean that you are obligated to perform a fake or insincere act of forgiveness simply because you have made it this far. You must forgive those who have caused you emotional harm, and let go of any untrue thoughts that you have harbored toward yourself.

Conclusion

Make use of these steps as a running guide and spend some time processing them either on your own or with the assistance of a therapist. Trust your instincts and understand that healing is a messy process with no set timeline. You are not perfect, and you are hardwired for struggle, but you are deserving of love and belonging, to paraphrase what Brene Brown has said.

In this moment of heartbreak, if you are feeling overwhelmed by your grief, or if you are feeling stuck in the healing process and unable to complete it, it may be time to reach out to a therapist. Please contact our office to find a counselor in your area who may be able to help you.