Thinking of Becoming Adoptive Parents? What You Should Know About Adoption Grief

Once you make the wonderful decision to become adoptive parents, your life will change in many amazing ways. But along with the joy, you may feel emotions you didn’t expect, like sadness or loss. One feeling that surprises many adoptive parents is grief.

Adoption grief is the sadness that comes with letting go of certain expectations. You might have dreamed of experiencing pregnancy, seeing your child share your features, or passing down a family story that fits the traditional mold. Feeling this way doesn’t mean you’re not ready to adopt or that you won’t be a great parent. It just means you’re human.

Accepting this and being honest with yourself, knowing when or how adoption grief can show up in daily life will help you take care of yourself and your growing family in the healthiest way.

Where Adoption Grief Comes From

Adoption grief is connected to loss. For adoptive parents, it might mean saying goodbye to the idea of having biological children. You may have some sadness that you’re missing out on pregnancy, childbirth, or recognizing your traits in your child’s face or personality.

You could also be having a tough time adjusting to a different kind of family dynamic than what you’ve always had or processing your child’s history.

Adoption grief doesn’t always appear all at once. It might crop up in some small, unexpected ways, too. Even comments from others can bring up emotions. Someone could simply ask, “Do you know their real parents?” or say, “Who does your kid look like?” Even if they don’t mean harm, those words can stir up tough feelings you weren’t expecting.

Sometimes, adoption grief comes out in your daily behavior without you realizing it.

How Adoptive Parenting Grief Can Show Up in Your Actions

• When you’re struggling with special days like Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, or your child’s birthday, you feel both happy and sad at the same time.
• When you find yourself trying extra hard to be the perfect parent, feeling like you must make up for something.
• Even in quiet moments, like tucking your child in at night, you find yourself getting a sudden wave of emotion that’s hard to explain.
• When you feel extremely self-conscious or avoid social situations where biological families are discussed.
• When you find yourself overexplaining your adoption story to others.
• When you feel unsure about joining parenting groups, and worried that others won’t understand your experience.
• When you’re extra protective of your child and feel like you need to shield them from anything that might make them feel different.

Throughout these situations, you probably end up feeling guilty for having grief at all, as if it takes away from the joy of adoption. These emotions don’t take away from the love you feel, or the happiness adoption brings, they’re simply a natural response to change.

Although such emotions don’t mean you’re doing anything wrong, they do indicate that your feelings need care and attention to make your life as an adoptive parent healthy.

What a Healthy Adoption Environment Looks Like

A healthy adoption environment is built on love, honesty, and self-acceptance. As adoptive parents, you create a space where it’s okay to feel all your emotions, be it joy, sadness, or anything in between.

In this kind of home, you can be open with your child about their adoption story in ways they can understand and enjoy. You’ll answer their questions freely with honesty, celebrate their unique background, and help them feel proud of who they are.

Taking care of yourself is more important than you think in an adoption situation. Whether it’s counseling, a support group, or personal reflection, if you can, find ways to process your emotions and help you stay strong. When you take care of your mental health, you’re better equipped to provide the love and stability your child needs.

Feeling grief after you adopt doesn’t mean you made a mistake; it’s only a part of the process, and the most important thing is to acknowledge these feelings to get help when you need it.

If you’re thinking about becoming adoptive parents or have recently adopted, know that help is available. Professional counselors with experience in adoption are here on this site to support you and your family as you build a strong, loving home.

Contact us today to learn more and get the help you need.