What is Codependency? How Does it Affect Me?

In this article we will focus on two major aspects of codependency:

• What is codependency?
• What does a codependent relationship look like?

What is Codependency?

The term “codependent” refers to someone who is involved in unhealthy or emotionally destructive relationship patterns and behaviors where the relationship seems to be one-sided. It’s quite common in modern society.

In a codependent relationship, there is usually one party that tries to please the other person. This codependent party’s mood is mostly determined by this person. For example, when a person only feels happy if their partner is happy or feels upset simply because the other party is angry or upset, themselves.

What are the Signs of Codependency?

Firstly it’s important to know that this doesn’t only occur in romantic relationships. Someone struggling with codependency may exhibit these characteristics in all the relationships he or she is part of.

Common traits include (but aren’t limited to):

• Constantly looking for people’s approval and acceptance
• Making unhealthy sacrifices
• Repressing your own emotions and needs
• Inability to say no or set boundaries
• Concern about what others say about them
• Inability to make his or her own decisions
• Caretaking
• Obsession with people pleasing
• Inability to identify his or her own feelings outside another person
• Low self-esteem
• Constant fear of abandonment
• No sense of self

Many more traits exist and they can go as far as sexual codependency characteristics. The codependent person may not feel comfortable performing certain sexual acts but will still do them because he or she isn’t capable of refusing the request.

The end result of long-term codependency can be depression and its various symptoms or even an addiction. The person turns to these coping mechanisms to help manage repressed feelings and possible suicidal tendencies.

Many people believe they can’t escape codependency, but the truth is that recovering from codependency is absolutely possible.

A professional approach to codependency views it as a method of manipulation and an act of control. The codependent individual uses methods to control other people’s emotions or at least their opinions. Why? Out of fear which can be real or imagined.

For example, you grow up in an abusive home where a parent yells at you and afterward hits you. From this, you have a legitimate fear that your life partner may hit you after he or she starts yelling. In your mind, it’s a sequence of events which leads to that old fear kicking in.

As a child, you may have tried out ways to control your parent’s mood simply to prevent the abuse. Years later as an adult that fear may still live inside you and it’s sparked when people’s voices escalate. Subconsciously you’re trying to control the other parties in order to avoid being fearful again as you were as a child.

It’s common for these habits to have their origins in childhood. A dysfunctional family leads to children learning unhealthy coping methods in order to control situations and the environment. These coping methods will still be in place during adult years unless the individual works through the past and is then taught what a healthy relationship’s principles are.

Codependency vs. Being a Good Christian: Where is the Line?

A central message of Christianity is forgiving others and modeling God’s love. The Bible shows us how to treat one another:

But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. – Luke 6:35

See that no one repays anyone evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone. – 1 Thessalonians 5:15

Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor. – 1 Corinthians 10:24

These Scriptures call for us to be good and selfless and to forgive others. The author C.S. Lewis stated that “humility is not to think less of yourself but simply to think of yourself less.”

In the Bible, we see Jesus often set His own boundaries, showing that it’s acceptable to care for ourselves. Jesus never allowed himself to become a slave of people pursuing the goal of pleasing his Father rather than man.

All you need to say is simply “Yes” or “No”; anything beyond this comes from the evil one. – Matthew 5:37

But it’s not that easy to say “yes” or “no” is it? We may feel obligated to justify our answers. Why? Because our goal is often to please man instead of God.

How can you believe, when you receive glory from one another and do not seek the glory that comes from the only God. – Matthew 5:44

Scripture tells us to look to God for praise, rather than people. When we get caught up in others’ opinions we automatically drift from God.

If you find it challenging not to concern yourself with others’ opinions all the time and struggle to focus on God’s approval, you’re not the only one. It’s hard to find the balance because there will always be important people whose opinions we value.

It’s not easy to hear and accept feedback about our character, especially if we are already hard on ourselves. You’ll most likely beat yourself up about it afterward. Despite this struggle, you should consider the benefits of having other Christians in your life. They can pursue God’s ways with you, support you and help you grow.

It’s challenging when someone shines a light on those aspects of yourself you prefer not to admit to. When we have other Christians in our lives, we can assist each other as we grow into becoming Christlike. As Christians, we should prioritize looking for God’s glory instead of man’s.

The Codependent’s Guide to the Twelve Steps: Melody Beattie

If you’re facing the challenges of codependency you should try a great book by Melody Beattie called Codependent’s Guide to the Twelve Steps. It’s a practical guide that shows you how to work through codependency and be honest about unhealthy behaviors and patterns present in your life.

It’s ideal to go through the book along with others. This will show you that you’re not alone in struggling with these patterns. When you feel less isolated your shame may dissipate. It’s clear that codependents are their own worst enemies and you need to try all methods to escape the guilt, shame, and self-reproach.

It’s quite possible you’ve simply become used to regularly putting others’ needs before your own and putting yourself down. Perhaps you don’t fit the full criteria of codependency – but is there room for growth in terms of setting boundaries and creating healthy relationships? That’s what this book is about: helping you grow out of your old codependent ways towards becoming someone with enough self-love as well as a love for others that you will set wise boundaries.

What’s the Next Step?

Step 1 is acknowledgment: You must realize you’re a codependent or at the very least exhibit some of the traits.

Step 2 is reaching out. You must ask for help in the form of one of these actions:

• Talk to a professional or counselor
• Share with a friend or a mentor
• Participate in a support group such as Codependents Anonymous or Celebrate Recovery
• Educate yourself through books, online resources and more

From a professional standpoint, partnering with a codependency counselor usually works. You get the benefit of an objective opinion from someone who isn’t biased and not part of the less than healthy relationships you’re already in. These codependency counselors are skilled to meet you where you are on the journey and guide you through it while lending support to ensure personal growth.

This journey of learning new behaviors won’t be easy. Most likely you’ve been engaging in these behaviors for a very long time and changing such habits is hard work that can take a long time.

For one thing, you may at first experience resistance when you start setting boundaries and taking care of yourself. People may push back, so relapsing into old habits are common. Although you shouldn’t necessarily see this as a failure or that you’re not progressing, it does highlight why support and accountability are so vital.

Accountability to yourself only creates the possibility of giving up or of justifying your actions. When a few people in your life act as accountability partners and you can talk to them about the journey, change and recovery from codependency become very possible.

Are you aware that you may be struggling with codependency? Are you unsure where to start? We implore you to reach out today. Dealing with it on your own can be overwhelming and you don’t have to face it alone. You don’t have to feel ashamed. God’s dream for you is healthy relationships and wise boundaries and he can help you through the change.